Month: October 2004

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my Gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you”re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the car.”

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1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven”t been for a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said,” There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn”t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the Lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember, Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn”t know her first name was Always.

13. I haven”t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don”t like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust.”

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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging Cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”

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This is a story about a couple, totally devoted to each other, who had been happily married for years. The only wee problem in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise wakes his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was a perfectly natural occurrence. “She asked him to see a doctor, saying she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out, but he only laughed. The years went by, and he continued to rip them out every morning.

Then one Thanksgiving morning, as the long-suffering wife was preparing the turkey for dinner while her dearly beloved was upstairs still sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the ‘spare parts’ and a naughty little thought came to her….She took the bowl of parts and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Then she quietly tiptoed down to the kitchen to wait for the fun to begin.

A short while later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting….which was immediately followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got back at him pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened….

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

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