The Kumachan

We here at The Kumachan want to wish each of you a very happy Easter holiday. Be sure to keep an eye out for what kind of chocolate eggs you are eating. We are yet to find a bunny large enough to lay chocolate eggs and even if there are bunnies that big, we still haven”t found a bunny that lays eggs. Bunnies only seem to leave on thing behind and they”re not eggs. They”re bunny berries! Have a Happy Holiday.

The Kumachan Staff

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..

8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer & said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the corner. He chuckled and said, “John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He”s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This one is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There”s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I”m not falling for this.” said the cowboy. “I”m not going to trust an IRS genie.”
“Whatta got ta lose? You”ve got no transportation , and it looks like you”re a goner anyway!”
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he”s surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what”s your second wish?”
“My second wish is that I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, ya got just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He”s turned into a tampon.

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Viet Nam for three years”.

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.‚ then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”

“This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that.

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain”t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ”n me. We”re the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don”t get it.”

“Well,” said the big ”gator, “what ya been eatin” boy?”

“Politicians, same”s you,” replied the small gator.

“Hmm. Well, where ya catch ”em?”

“Down ”tother side the swamp near the parkin” lot, by the capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How ya catch ”em?”

“Well, I crawls up under one ”em Lexus and wait fer ”em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ”em on the leg, shake the shit out”em, and eat”em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see yer problem. You ain”t gettin” any real nourshment. See, by time you done shakin” the shit outta politician, there ain”t nothin” left but an asshole and a briefcase!

In 2004, the University of Hawaii with their superstars of Timmy Chang and Chad Owens, beat Michigan State in Hawaii. For the 2005 season, Hawaii will have to find 30 new member replacements for their losses of players they suffered in 2004. This year Hawaii is going to Michigan. It will be nice to watch Michigan State kick the living hell out of Hawaii and let these crappy WAC teams know they just aren’t on the same level as schools in other conferences.