A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.” The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and asks, “Doc, what can I do?” The doctor replies, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, half a box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it all off with a gallon of prune juice.” The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?” The doctor says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.
Month: February 2006
4th Graders
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money.”‘, ‘The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises, then took little Justin aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.
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Dead Mule in the Churchyard….
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.
They explained, “Since there was no health threat, you”ll need to call the Sanitation Department.”
When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, “I can”t pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor.” The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn”t it your job to bury the dead?”
The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response.
The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, “Well Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!
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Never Lie to Momma
Mrs. Gonzalez comes to visit her son Jose for dinner. Jose lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can’t help but notice how pretty Jose’s roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son, Jose and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom’s thoughts, Jose volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Maria comes to Jose saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her, just to be sure.” So he sends his Mom an email:’, ‘Dear Mama,
I’m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jose
Several days later, Jose receives an email response from his Mama:
Mijo,
I’m not saying that you ”do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ”do not” sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama
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Safari Speedup
Did you know that in OS X if you want Safari to load faster, there are a couple tricks you can do in order for Safari to speed up? The first thing you should do is empty your cache. You can do this by going to your preferences, choose Safari and then click on empty cache. The next thing you should do is clear your history. This can be accomplished by clicking on history in your menu selection and then choose the option at the bottom which is, clear history. One other thing you can do to speed up Safari is by turning off the auto fill option. In order to do this you go to preferences, and then select the auto fill pane. Once you are there you can ensure the user names and passwords or other forms, is unchecked. By doing these little steps you are ensuring Safari isnt storing data that you dont need it to and will speed up the loading process.
Reference: March 2006, Macworld Magazine page 52.
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Admiral Introductions
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, “Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, “Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.”
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, “Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
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Crusty Old Naval Chief
“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and “P” on my grave.”
“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
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Air Force Members Getting Shaved
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”
The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
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Filing Taxes
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a whore,” she says.
The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. That is too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK., I’m a high-end call girl.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? “Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”
He replies: “Good enough.”
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New prescription?
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you”re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. ‘, ‘Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn”t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
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Holy Bathroom Light
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he”s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I”m done, poof! the light goes off.”
“Wow, that”s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George”s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I”m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he”s done, poof! the light goes off?”
“Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
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Two Fleas
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he”s shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him, “Why are you shaking so badly?”
The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”
The other flea responds saying,” That”s the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it”s warm and cozy. It”s the best way to travel that I can think of.”
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by….. When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, “Didn”t you try what I told you?”
“Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.