Month: March 2006

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I’ll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you….but the girl said no. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…..so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2,000 dollars and then pick up the money really fast, he won’t even have time to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened……She said, “The bastard used quarters!”

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety.

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A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico our glass is so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice.”

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don”t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

Then Dick Cheney, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, “In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.”

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There once was a Red Indian whose given name was “Onestone”. So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that any more.’, ‘Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn”t die!

And the moral is…You can”t kill two birds with one stone!!

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Oklahomo
High Nooner
The Magifient Seven Inches
Jeremiah’s Johnson
Polesmoke
Butch Assidy and the Bundance Kid
How the West Was Hung
The Legend of the Long Ranger
Doc’s Holiday With Billy the Kid
Very Raw Hide
Lonesome Doug
A Fistful of Ned
Hi, Plains Drifter!
Quickly Down Under
Bareback Mounting
Bone-nanza
Don’t Mess With Tex’ass
Home on the Ranger
Rooster Cockburn
Prances with Wolves
Baloney Pony Rodeo
Tubesteak Cowboys

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Have you heard about the new Harley-Davidson beer?
You put it in your fridge and it leaks overnight.

Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower.

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

What’s the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Suzuki.

Why don’t Harley riders sit on their bikes when the kickstands are down?
They”re afraid to lean over that far.’, ‘What’s the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner’s home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you now you’re riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don’t Harley riders wave at sport bike riders?
Because they don’t want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15’s in the quarter mile.

How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don’t Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would you be smiling?

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they’re moving.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you’re riding in the canyons.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

What”s the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that”s being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why do all Harley owners have trailers?
So they can go around corners faster!

You know you’re a Harley rider if…
…you’re unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.
…you confuse the word “character” with the more accurate term “engineering flaws.”
…”water cooled” means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a wrecker.

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what”s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I”m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I”m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal”s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.’, ‘Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal”s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms Brooks: “What word starts with an ”F” and ends in ”K” that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

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At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn’t I good enough?” he asked sheepishly.

You were great,” she said, but these crabs are still itching!”

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The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

* The stamp was in perfect order.
* There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
* People were spitting on the wrong side.

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