Month: June 2006

The Cork…oops!

Dave

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently stuck in my butt.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first Arab says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.” I said, “No shit?”

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New Pharmacology

Dave

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

If you don’t send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Remember… STRESSED is just desserts spelled backwards!

In Loving Memory of Janice Madamba. This was the last e-mail I received from her on Friday at 4:45 PM and she was killed on Saturday June 17th, 2006 at 3:45 by a driver driving down the wrong way on the freeway.

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Great One-Liners

Dave

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn’t!
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don”t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You”re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.’, ’11. I”m not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
20. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
21. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up
22. Procrastinate Now!
23. My Dog Can Lick Anyone
24. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
32. HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.
33. The trouble with life is there”s no background music.
34. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

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Be Careful When You Have a Fast Car, it Could Hurt

Dave

A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, “What kind of car ya got there sonny?”

The man replies, “It’s a 2000 Corvette, the best sports car in the USA; it cost me over $50,000.”

“That’s a lot of money” says the old man. Why do they cost so much?” The man answers, “Because they can go 170 miles an hour!” The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right!”‘, ‘Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and in a few seconds the speedo reads 120 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be catching up to him. Afraid it might be a cop, he slows down to 65 and suddenly whhhoooosshh! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than this Vette?” the man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whhoooosshh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it sorta looked like the old man on the mo-ped!

“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a mo-ped outrun a Vette?”

Then again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhooosshh – Blam! It plows into the back of the Vette! The man jumps out. It IS the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are in a world of hurt. The guy runs up to the old man and cries, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man groans and replies, “Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?”

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Anal Glaucoma

Dave

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
“What’s the matter?” he asks
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?”
“I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

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Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, and 12

Dave

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I”ve heard of that in health class at school.”‘, ‘He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March…..”

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