Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I”m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
“So I hear you”re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were.
The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that”?
“Hellooooo,” she answered. “They’re watch dogs!”
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has.
She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.
She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.
She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.’, ‘She”s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.
She’s been turned more ways than Rubik”s Cube.
She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She’s had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.
Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it”s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. ‘, ‘How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied; the farmer”s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend”s life. Back at the bog, the Horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer”s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful Bike, rescued the horse!’, ‘Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy down thing
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, Saving his life.
The moral of the story?
“When You”re Hung Like A Horse, You Don”t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks”.
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. “The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind,” he stated.
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitt put all six aboard.’, ‘But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year.”
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy,
“How have things been going?”
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, “I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.”
The first guy says in amazement, “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.”
The answer comes, ” Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.”‘, ‘The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
“W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e..”
“Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks the first friend.
” W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s”
Normally I wouldn’t think very much of photos like these, however in this instance I actually know the person who took the photo. He said he was on the Big Island of Hawaii and went to visit relative’s grave site. While he was there he took this photo of an unknown person’s grave. When you look at the photo you probably won’t think much of it, but if you look over the small grave you’ll see what appears to be a grey fog in the shape of a person over the grave. He told me there was no fog that day. If you zoom in on the photo you can begin to make out what looks like a face. This is the original photo that is un-doctored and unedited. Make of it what you will, but it seems a little creepy to me.
The Pasta Diet
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
And for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It”s a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. — Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Benign………………….What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria.
Barium…………………What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan……………….Searching for the cat.
Cauterize……………..Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………………A sheep dog.
Coma………………….A punctuation mark.
D&C……………………Where Washington is.
Dilate………………….To live longer than your kids do.’, ‘Enema………………Not a friend.
Fester……………….Quicker than someone else.
Fibula………………..A small lie.
G.I.Series………….World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail……………What you hang your coat on.
Impotent……………Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain………….Getting hurt at work.
Morbid……………….A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates……………..Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff……….A Doctor”s cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node…………………I knew it.
Outpatient………….A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear…………A fatherhood test.
Pelvis………………..Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative…….A letter carrier.
Recovery Room……Place to do upholstery.
Secretion……………Hiding something
Tablet………………..A small table to change babies on.
Seizure………………Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor………………..More than one.
Urine…………………Opposite of mine.
Varicose…………….Near by
Hospital……………..The biggest building in town, other than Joe”s feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager”s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo”s all over the factory floor and they”re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo”s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo”s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
“I”m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”
“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”