Month: October 2006

Eve’s Side of the Story

Dave

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,” reported Eve.’, ‘And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc……….she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced,” as she put it.

That is a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.” And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?” Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off.
The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right How could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.”

Now let’s see…………where did I put that useless boob?”

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A Can of Worms

Dave

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive. ‘, ‘So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!” Don’t you just love little old Maxine?

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Observation

Dave

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ”Observation”. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.”

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.

“If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth.”

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$20.00

Dave

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes andother incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

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Mood Swings

Dave

Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. So for Christmas he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Concerned Bitch

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Italian Lawyers

Dave

A professor of law had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the land owners for lots of money?”

Told it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the professor asked if they had decided to go to America to practice law.

“No, no,” one replied, “We want to go to America to fall down on sidewalks!”

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