Month: November 2006

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths – that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

For the same period of time, the firearm death rate in Washington DC is 80.6 per 100,000 citizens.

That means that you are about 30 percent more likely to be shot and killed in the Capitol of the United States
– which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation – than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion:
The United States should pull out of Washington, DC immediately!

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– The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
– The trees are whistling for the dogs.
– The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
– Hot water now comes out of both taps.
– You can make sun tea instantly.
– You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
– The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
– You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
– You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
– You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
– You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
– Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
– You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
– The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
– Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
– The cows are giving evaporated milk.

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We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
From Kingman, KS.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open!” His reply, “I know – I already got that side.”
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

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Ole Vas working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentlycut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar daNorsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.

“Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.”

“Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lord-it’s 2006! ve’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn’t you brink da finkers?”

To vhich Ole says……..”How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

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Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it. When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey… then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Barbara, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yes, my sister is blonde.

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