The Kumachan

I will soon have bird dog pups for sale. Anyone who is interested please contact me as soon as possible. The litter will probably be between 7 to 10 pups , which I will sell at a very reasonable price. Below is a photo of the parents of the litter, to give you an idea of what the pups should look like. Please contact me soon, as they will go fast.

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. ‘I’ve got problems Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?

‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.’

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.

‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!’

Folks generally aren’t very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That’s why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he’d be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:

“One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.” “But that ain’t the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.” He said he didn’t care how she looked. When I told him I’d had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer.” “When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.” “After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said, “Every room in the hotel was for sex.” I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me, too.” “When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me. too.” “Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said, “Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely,” I told him. He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Get yourself a dog.”

This week’s challenge is especially difficult. View the attached candid photograph and use logic to locate the clues that will let you “Find the Canadian!” Do you have the skill? Do you have the ability? Do you know enough about your northern cousins? Can you find the Canadian?

As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in my car and continued to watch the old gentleman from about twenty-five feet away.

I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in his arm, walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming too and took a few steps towards him. I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something. The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new Cadillac Escalade and then turned back to the old man, and I heard him yell at the old gentleman saying, “You shouldn’t even be allowed to drive a car at your age.” And then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of the parking lot.

I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief and mop his brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine. He then went to his wife and spoke with her and appeared to tell her it would be okay. I had seen enough and I approached the old man. He saw me coming and stood straight and as I got near him I said, “Looks like you’re having a problem.” He smiled sheepishly and quietly nodded his head.

I looked under the hood myself and knew that whatever the problem was, it was beyond me. Looking around I saw a gas station up the road and told the old gentleman that I would be right back. I drove to the station and went inside and saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of them and related the problem the old man had with his car and offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.

The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem (overheated engine) I spoke with the old gentleman. When I shook hands with him earlier he had noticed my Marine Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question, “What outfit did you serve with?” He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal.

He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after the war was over.

As we talked we heard the car engine come on and saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me and I told him I would just put the bill on my AAA card. He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my pocket. We all shook hands all around again and I said my goodbye’s to his wife.

I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up to the station. Once at the station I told them that they had interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me. One of them pulled out a card from his pocket looking exactly like the card the old man had given to me.

Both of the men told me then, that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the card the old man had given to me and I said I would and drove off.

For some reason I had gone about two blocks when I pulled over and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long, time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name………”Congressional Medal of Honor Society.”

I sat there motionless looking at the card and reading it over and over.

I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together, because one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage and an honor to have been in his presence.

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall.

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman’s poodle.

The war weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired’ She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

1. NAMES
If Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne go out for lunch, they will call each other Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne.
If Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob will each throw in a $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah,children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
All married men should forget their mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A few thoughts on cat baths…by The Cat

“But You Said You Loved Me!”

“You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.”

“Jeepers, you call this water warm???”

“I don’t think I like you anymore.”

“You SUCK!!!!!!”

“E.T. phone home……quick!”

“No, I’m not your Good Little Kitty anymore.”

“Traction….I’m losing Traction!”

“I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

“No, no, no, no…..NOOOO!!!!”