The Kumachan

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween-night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER…
FASTER…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP….

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…on his heels, as the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…and, The coffin stops.

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.”

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendant came by he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,”! said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” he said, “I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing, Sergeant,” said the crew member, “We No Longer Call It The Cockpit”……”It’s The Box Office.”

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Here are some more motivational posters. Some may be duplicate images with different messages…entertaining none the less.

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung.!”

I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am, that’s why she cuts the grass.”