The Kumachan

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring. “Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet, grabs a piece of red ribbon, and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him, too. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles..

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were or what we did. But, by God, we took first and second place!”

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, “Well, she still hasn’t used the gift I bought her last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…

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My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started…..

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale..

And that’s how the fight started…..

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I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started….

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started….

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started…..

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started…..

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement…This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management.

Abstract
The purpose of this document is to explain how Data Encryption Standard (DES) works and why 3 DES is now used. Also included within this document is an explanation of why the middle portion of 3DES is a decryption instead of an encryption. The last item talked about within this document is a nonce and a key distribution center.

Content
IBM developed the Data Encryption Standard (DES) in 1974 and submitted to the National Bureau of Standards as a Lucifer encryption algorithm (Tropical Software, 2007). IBM also solicited assistance from the National Security Agency (NSA) to evaluate the security of the Lucifer algorithm. In 1976, the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) changed the name of the Lucifer algorithm to the Data Encryption Standard (DES) where it was widely used in a short amount of time. Over time as computers became more powerful the amount of time needed to crack the DES key was greatly reduced. In 1997 the NIST abandoned the DES and started working on a replacement.

DES encryption works by running a line of plain text through a block cipher sixteen times and then outputting a cipher text. The DES encryption has 64-bit blocks, however the 8th bit is a parity bit, so it makes the DES actually a 56-bit encryption. Prior to running the plain text through the block cipher there is an initial phase that does not play a part with encryption, but rather with ensuring compatibility with older equipment. There is also a final phase that undoes the block facilitation, which took place in the initial phase. Although DES was used for quite a long period of time it was found that as computers became more powerful, DES could be cracked with a brute force attack. DES successfully protected data by putting data through 16 rounds of data encryption, however it was eventually outgrown as it became easy to break with a brute force attack.

Triple DES was a successor to DES and it even uses the same encryption algorithm. The triple DES uses a key length of 168 bits. It is essentially the same as a DES, however it performs three rounds of encryption that is the same as 48 DES equivalent rounds. The triple DES was anticipated to only be a temporary solution until the completion of the AES encryption in 2001, however the NIST anticipates triple DES to be used until the year 2030. The triple DES is susceptible to a meet-in-the-middle attack, however for this attack to work there needs to be a 232 known plaintexts, which is not very practical (Wikipedia, 2009). The triple DES works by passing data through a 56-bit key in the initial phase, then decrypting using a 56-bit key in the second phase, and then encrypting again using a 56-bit key in the last phase of encryption.

Nonce’s and key distribution centers ensure communications on a network are secure by encrypting data. A nonce is an encryption key that is used one time to establish a secure communication and then never used again. A good use of a nonce is for establishing secure communications between a client and a server via authentication protocols because any previous keys or communications are obsolete and cannot be used in the event a replay attack is staged. Key Distribution Centers (KDC) use encryption techniques to authenticate users when a user requests a service. The KDC will then verify the user has authorization to use the requested service. Once the verification has taken place the KDC will then issue a ticket to the requestor so that secure communications can begin. A KDC is typically found in symmetric encryption techniques like on networks that use Kerberos (Microsoft, 2007). Nonce’s and key distribution centers ensure there is secure communication between a client and server by using encryption techniques.

In conclusion, the Data Encryption Standard was created to ensure private data is secure. DES worked effectively, however as the power of computers grew DES was outgrown and was superseded by triple DES. Triple DES works by using the same encryption algorithm that can be found in DES, but it passes data through three rounds of encryption. The triple DES was developed to be temporary solution until a newer encryption technology came out. Both nonce’s and key distribution centers ensure communications are secure between a client and a server by using encryption techniques.

References
1. (2007). DES Encryption. Retrieved February 21, 2009, from DES Encryption Web site: http://www.tropsoft.com/strongenc/des.htm
2. (2009, February 3rd). Triple DES – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Retrieved February 21, 2009, from Triple DES – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Web site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple_DES
3. (2007, November 30th). Kerberos Key Distribution Center. Retrieved February 22, 2009, from Kerberos Key Distribution Center Web site: http://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/library/cc734104.aspx

Abstract
The purpose of this document is to provide fundamental differences between link and end-to-end encryption techniques. Also included within this document is a description of traffic padding and what its fundamental purpose is. The last item that can be found within this document is a description of differences between a session key and a master key.

Content
Although similar, there is a major difference between end-to-end encryption and link encryption. Both end-to-end encryption and link encryption is used to ensure data being passed along a network is secure. For both end-to-end encryption and link encryption to work both sides need to have a prearranged key and algorithm established. End-to-end encryption works by encrypting the payload of a packet and leaves the header information unencrypted to allow for routing to be done without the need of decrypting the packet (Net Security, 2009). End-to-end encryption works between two end systems on a network. Link encryption works by having an encryption device on two ends of a communication path and encrypting everything that enters those encryption devices. Link encryption is good, however on a large network there is a need for numerous encryption devices (School of Electronics and Communications Engineering, 2009). Also for link encryption, a major disadvantage is that data needs to be decrypted before entering a network device. The major difference between link encryption and end-to-end encryption is that link encryption encrypts everything and end-to-end encryption only encrypts the payload of a packet and leaves the header information clear to allow for switching or routing.

What is traffic padding? Traffic padding is the ability to generate additional data and input that data into a data stream in order to make data analysis or data monitoring more difficult. Traffic padding can be found within encryption devices in order to make communications more secure. Traffic padding is used to ensure the confidentiality of private information is not compromised.

In order to best understand what the difference between a session key and a master key is, it is important to know about each. A session key is a key that is used to encrypt all communications between devices during an entire session. Once the session has been broken, a new session key needs to be generated in order to establish secure communications. A master key is a key that is used to create other keys from. Since a master key is used to create other keys from, it is important that a master key is handled appropriately and is stored in a secure location (Sibbald, 2008). A master key is used to create other keys, while a session key is a one-time use key that is used to ensure communications are secured during an entire session.

In conclusion, there are similarities between different types of encryption and different types of keys, but even though it seems they are the same there are differences. End-to-end encryption encrypts only the information within a body of a packet, whereas link encryption encrypts everything between two points. Traffic padding is used to ensure secure communications remain secure by generating pieces of information and placing that information into a data stream in order to make monitoring more difficult. A session key is used to ensure data is securing for the duration of a session between devices, whereas a master key is used to derive other keys from.

References
1. (2009, February 13th). Distributed end-to-end encryption of sensitive data with SecureData. Retrieved February 22, 2009, from Distributed end-to-end encryption of sensitive data with SecureData Web site: http://www.net-security.org/secworld.php?id=7045
2. (2009). Network Security. Retrieved February 22, 2009, from Network Security and Encryption Web site: http://www.compeng.dit.ie/staff/mdavis/Section5_NetworkSecurity.pdf
3. Sibbald, Kern (2008, January 26th). Data Encryption. Retrieved February 22, 2009, from Bacula Web site: http://www.bacula.org/en/dev-manual/Data_Encryption.html

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello, Mrs. Sanders, please. ”Speaking. ‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good. ‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. ‘Well one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which. ‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders. ‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only. ‘Well what am I supposed to do now? ‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’

“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”

This would be ‘all the catfish you can eat.’ Each year, a few people were drowning or disappearing mysteriously in Huadu, China’s Furong Reservoir. It was not until recently, when the son of a government official went swimming, in the reservoir and was drowned, that the secret was revealed. It is a 3 meter long man-eating catfish whose head alone is 1 meter wide! After cutting up the catfish, people were surprised to find the remains of another man inside! Swimming in the reservoir is now forbidden because it is feared another similar man-eating catfish is still lurking in the waters.