The Kumachan

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

‘I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said. ‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’

What does a Muslim Pussy look like?

What were you thinking of?

A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”

The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’ The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
1. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.
2. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
3. After 50, they are like onions’. ‘Onions?’ ‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’ The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
1. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
2. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
3. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’. ‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes — dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.’

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong–and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There’s nothing worse than a doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, “Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” He replied, “There’s something wrong with my dick.”

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. “Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you.”

The receptionist replied, “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

“You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone,” the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear.”

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it.”

The waiting room erupted in laughter…