The Kumachan

Do you know who makes the rules?

As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules …
We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules …
As golfers, we are ruled by the rules ..
Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game .
And as citizens, we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day..
But just in case you have been pondering this for all your life as to whom actually makes the rules, please note the following:

…I do hope this clears it up…

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich: $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, “I was wondering, young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? “She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: “Yes Sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, “Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger.”

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (Now over 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

‘I said, ‘Not much…. my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said.

He looked at me and said,… ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

The madam opened the red light district brothel door in youngstown ohio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked..

“I want to see sandy,” the man replied..

“Sir, sandy is one of our most expensive ladies of the nite. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

“No, I must see sandy,” he replied.

Just then, sandy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see sandy. sandy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid sandy and they went upstairs.

After their session, sandy said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, ” Cleveland Ohio .”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Cleveland .”

“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m the lawyer for her will. I was instructed to deliver your $15,000 inheritance in person.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
11. Your cousin is president of the United States

Two men were talking. ‘So, how’s your sex life?’

‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.’

‘Social Security sex?’

‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I’ve got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell.’

‘My dear, the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural. I don’t see what
the problem is.’

‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’

She glanced at him casually and replied, ‘You’re not home!’

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for ‘medium, $14,000 for ‘large.’

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.

The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever’.’

‘Yeah,’ she replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.”