Month: March 2010

New Truck

Dave

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn’t get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’

‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant
‘ Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’
I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
‘Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, ‘Ass Hole!’
Immediately the radio responded with,
“Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck…

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A Cardiologist’s Funeral

Dave

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…. A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral….. I’m a gynecologist.’

The proctologist fainted.

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Lesbonics

Dave

1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A. licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A. Klondike .

3.. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
A. Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A. Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders…

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A. Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A. Well Hung.

8.. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
A. She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
A. Lick-a-likes..

11.. What’s the definition of confusion?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market..

12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A. One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you’ve got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?
A. 100 people that don’t do dick.

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Enoshima Aquarium

Dave


Even though it is March and the weather is still cold I got tired of being stuck in doors from the winter and decided to take the train to the east coast of Japan to visit Enoshima and check out their aquarium.


While there I watched the dolphin and sea lion show. The show really reminded me that this is Japan’s version of Sea World. It was an entertaining show and I had a lot of fun watching it. You can also see there were wind surfers out playing in the waves.


While walking through the aquarium I got to see some crabs, jellyfish, stingrays and other assortments of fish.

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Married Woman

Dave

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times..

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
‘MIDNIGHT’… He didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo
clock.’

When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its,
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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2nd Opinion

Dave

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure..’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

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