Month: November 2010

Becoming an American

Dave

Mohammad, an muslim child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.

“What is your name?” – asked the teacher. “Mohammad” – answered the kid.

“You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,” – replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home. “How was your day, Mohammad?” – asked his mother.

“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny.”

“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” – and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he, too, beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, “What happened to you little Johnny”?

“Well ma’am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fuckin’ muslims.”

Related Posts

Children Writing About the Ocean

Dave

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t Have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)
4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots And comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the Ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to Make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off Eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is a always Crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got Pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can Give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think They have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes My willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.. Divers can’t Go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was Going very fast.. She says she won’t do it again because water fired Right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)
14) – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Related Posts

Men Are Just Happier People

Dave

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Knucklehead and CRAP for Brains.

EATING OUT
¬∑ When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
¬∑ A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
¬∑ The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
¬∑ A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
¬∑ A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Related Posts

Little known Facts about MN

Dave

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin’s winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as “how a 7-year- old city girl would draw a picture titled ‘life on the farm’”.

Minnesota gets it’s name from the Sioux Indian word “mah-nee-soo-tah”, meaning, “No, really… they eat fish soaked in lye”.

The state song of Minnesota is “Someday the Vikings will… Aw, never mind”.

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as “the lutefisk capital of the world”. Avoid this city at all costs.

“The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary’s first real acting job since leaving the “Dick van Dyke Show”. The show about a single woman’s struggle to find happiness in the big city .

The state motto of Minnesota at one time was “Where even a man who wears a feather boa can be governor.” Now it’s “Where even Stuart Smalley can be Senator.”

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside.. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan.

Water skis were invented in 1922 in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn’t been invented yet.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named “Pig’s Eye”, after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre “pig’s eye” Parrot. Its “twin city”, Minneapolis, was known as “Pig’s Colon”.

The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1899. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota, erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. Then in 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the blue ox. Yes, Minnesota has a lot of problems with statue cannibalism.

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase “Blizzards on Independence Day – you get used to it.”

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat – chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926. Minnesota’s stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the “Little House” series of books, as well as inventing the “spam diet” which consists of looking at a plate of spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the “lutefisk diet”.

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in ’84.

Related Posts

Great Buddha (Daibutsu)

Dave


Rode the train to the Kamakura station to get a first hand look at the Great Buddha or Daibutsu in Japanese. This buddha was made out of bronze and you can go inside of it which is a pretty neat experience. Once inside if you touch the bronze that the sun is beating down on it is hot to the touch, but if you touch the side that is away from the sun it is cold to the touch. This buddha was created in 1252 and stands approximately 13.35 meters tall.

Related Posts