Month: August 2011

Humor

Humor – Five Surgeons

Dave

Five surgeons having drinks together at a surgical convention exchanged opinions regarding their favorite patient types.

The first, a Florida surgeon, said, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responded, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”

The third, a California surgeon, said, “No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside of them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth, a New York surgeon, chimed in, “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine and the head and the @ss are interchangeable.”

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Humor

The Things I Owe My Parents

Dave

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”
14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My Parents taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

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Humor

Divorce vs Murder

Dave

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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Government Humor

American History

Dave

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’he said.

‘Very good!’

Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.

‘Excellent!’, said the teacher continuing, ‘let’s try one a bit More difficult…’

Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Once again, Hodiaki’s was the only hand in the air and he said; ‘John F. Kennedy, 1961’.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F..k the Japs,’

‘Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, ‘General MacArthur, 1945.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks, ‘All right!!! Now who said that!?’

Again, Little Hodiaki says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Little Hodiaki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Little Hodiaki frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, We’re screwed!’

Little Hodiaki said quietly, ‘the American people, November 4, 2008.’

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Humor Thoughts

Investment 101

Dave

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!!!

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Humor

Californians

Dave

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:

You know you’re from California if…
1. Your coworker has 8-body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can’t afford to buy a house
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can’t remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?
6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can’t remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S
11. Unlike anywhere else in the world, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really is George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can’t remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?
14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: ‘STORM WATCH.’
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot legal or illegal?
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator was your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re in the United States illegally, they give you one …

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