Month: February 2013

IRS Auditor

Dave

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?” “Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.” “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.

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Jesus and the Democrat

Dave

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”

The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”

The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he to began to praised the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me … I’m on disability.”

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Hold Up

Dave

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says, “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”,

“I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says, “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”

So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well,” so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

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