Famous Quotes

Posted in Humor/Jokes, Thoughts on January 19th, 2013 by Kuma

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

*****

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

*****

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

*****

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

*****

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

Tags: , , , , , ,

You May Be A Taliban…

Posted in Humor/Jokes on April 2nd, 2008 by Kuma

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they’ve trained their sense of humor with the following:

“You may be a Taliban if . . .

1) You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2) You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3) You have more wives than teeth.
4) You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5) You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6) You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
7) You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8) You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9) You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
10) You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11) You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12) You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Tags: , , , ,

Jeff Foxworthy Picking on Michigan

Posted in Humor/Jokes on October 6th, 2007 by Kuma

1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.
2. If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.
3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.
4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.
5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Michigan.
6. If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, (or at the top of his ankles) you might live in Michigan.
7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.
8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.
9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

Part 2 – You know you’re a true MICHIGANDER when . . .

1. “Vacation” means going up north on I-75
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Ohio.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it’s not medicine.
24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing.
25. You know what a Yooper is.
26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.
27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.
28. You know it’s possible to live in a thumb.
29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

Tags: , , , , , ,