A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor..’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’
The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’
‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’
‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that a round 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!’
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her..
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read… it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~
The madam opened the red light district brothel door in youngstown ohio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked..
“I want to see sandy,” the man replied..
“Sir, sandy is one of our most expensive ladies of the nite. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
“No, I must see sandy,” he replied.
Just then, sandy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see sandy. sandy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid sandy and they went upstairs.
After their session, sandy said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied, ” Cleveland Ohio .”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Cleveland .”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m the lawyer for her will. I was instructed to deliver your $15,000 inheritance in person.”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy’s expense.
The deputy says, ‘License and registration, please.’
‘What for?’ says the lawyer..
The deputy says, ‘You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’
Then the lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’
‘You still didn’t come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.’
The lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’
‘The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!’ the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’
‘That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,’ the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, ‘Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?’
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer?”
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
“Sure is, Bubba.”
“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“And that football player sued that university when heGradiated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”
“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin . . ..
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer allthem ugly women I slept with?”
Who says AF people aren’t a little wild…
When it gets hot outside on the flight line, people get a little crazy!!
A few days ago somebody found a pic of a KC-135 guy marshaling a jet in his underwear. The next day Airman Jerknuts of our grand 34th AMU decided to out do the tanker guy. I think our guy won!
The chief lost his mind over this. He read 11 people their rights and they all lawyered up. The chief confiscated a bunch of cameras (not before the pics got put on laptops of course) The kid asked everyone if they minded, including the aircrew and super, no one cared.
There’s a huge cluster-gaggle with it. Apparently every lawyer in the AOR plus a few extras have to be flown in for this.
A professor of law had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the land owners for lots of money?”
Told it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the professor asked if they had decided to go to America to practice law.
“No, no,” one replied, “We want to go to America to fall down on sidewalks!”
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 60s or early 70s. “Can I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Natalie” the man replied.
“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” said the madam.
“No. I must see Natalie” was the man”s reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row – it was simply too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. “No one as ever used me three nights in a row.” Where are you from?” she asked.
The man replied, “Texas.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in Texas.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister”s attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is:
Some things in life are certain
3. Being screwed by a lawyer