2011 Darwin Awards

Posted in Events, Humor/Jokes on February 9th, 2012 by Dave

You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at the hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators
located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

Honorable Mention

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

Runner Up

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

And the winner is….

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves…’Shit happens’

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Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009

Posted in Humor/Jokes on July 25th, 2010 by Dave

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221..’

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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.

‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.

‘My God, Bill, what happened?’

‘I got fired.’

‘No, Bill. ¬†I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh…she got fired too.’

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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said. ¬†’We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ¬†’Let’s relive some old times..’

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ¬† ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

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