Category: Humor/Jokes

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the Mississippi State Univ. was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole …

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Why I Love New Yorkers….

Tarzan Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.”Tarzan not know sex,” he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.” Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it …

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New Truck

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche And returned to the dealer yesterday Because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. ‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’ ‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’ Came from the speakers. Then …

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The Husband’s T-shirt

My wife was always after me to go shopping with her. Then I began wearing my favorite t-shirt. Now she doesn’t want me to go shopping with her anymore.

Camping Tools

Just when you think that you have everything for camping out and sitting around the fire at the lake someone comes up with something new.

A Cardiologist’s Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…. A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was …

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Lesbonics

1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? A. licker cabinet. 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A. Klondike . 3.. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? A. Militia Etheridge. 4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? A. Because they can’t eat Jenny …

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Married Woman

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, …

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2nd Opinion

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor. The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press …

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Speeding

I got stopped for speeding yesterday. I thought I could talk my way out of it until the officer looked at my dog in the back seat.

Looking for a Good Book

Confucius say, “If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the…..

House For Sale

When it is O.K. to say, “Oh Shit”

Bumper Stickers Seen on Military Bases

“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.” ” U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.” ” U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah” “Stop Global Whining” “When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine” Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify. “The Marine Corps – When It …

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Cajun Duck Hunter

A Cajun went duck hunting one day way up north near Shreveport and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Cajuns. The game warden ordered the Cajun to show his hunting …

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The Rule Maker

Do you know who makes the rules? As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules … We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules … As golfers, we are ruled by the …

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Tee House Sign

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar: Cold Beer: $2.00 Hamburger: $2.25 Cheeseburger: $2.50 Chicken Sandwich: $3.50 Hand Job: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure …

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Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (Now over 60.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’ He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink …

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Taking Advantage

The madam opened the red light district brothel door in youngstown ohio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “May I help you sir?” she asked.. “I want to see sandy,” the man replied.. “Sir, sandy is one of our most expensive ladies of the nite. Perhaps …

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You May Be a Taliban If…

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.” 5. You think vests …

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Social Security Sex

Two men were talking. ‘So, how’s your sex life?’ ‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.’ ‘Social Security sex?’ ‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’

Loud Sex

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.’ ‘My dear, the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.’ ‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me …

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Quiet Sex

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’ She glanced at him casually and replied, ‘You’re not home!’

Confounded Sex

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for …

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Wedding Anniversary Sex

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever’.’ ‘Yeah,’ she replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband – Stiff …

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Quiet Sex

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’ She glanced at him casually and replied, ‘You’re not home!’

Women’s Humorous Sex

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

Elderly Sex

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment Killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked …

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Airport Security

Traffic Ticket

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and …

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His and Hers Diary

Her Diary Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation …

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Winter Statistic

98% of Americans say “Oh Shit” before going in the ditch on a slippery road. The other 2% are from Michigan, and they say, “Hold my drink and watch this.”

Hundreds Gather to Protest Global Warming

Tiger Woods Christmas Card

Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice …

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Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him …

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Beer Poster

Muslim Pussy

What does a Muslim Pussy look like? What were you thinking of?

Hunting Season Body Art

Cow vs Sheep

A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.” The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.” …

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Boobs vs Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’ The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. 1. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. 2. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, …

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Never Too Old

Ear infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong–and sometimes it is embarrassing. There’s nothing worse than a doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I …

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Tweety Turns 60

Tweety bird turns 60 years old and was quoted saying, “I tawt I taw a pu … a put … oh I don’t know wat da fut I taw!”

Priceless Speeding Ticket

Telling Husband you’re going out for the night with the “Girls”… $0.00. Red Leather Jacket for night out with the “Girls”… $200.00. Getting a Radar photo speeding ticket while out with the “Girls”… $90.00. Having husband open the mailed radar ticket, looking at the “photo proof” and seeing you, his dear wife, with another man’s …

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Sexy Women T-shirts

A Pictures is Worth 1,000 Words

Motivational Posters #5

Political Science For Dummies

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage …

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