Category: Humor/Jokes

Aids or Alzheimer’s

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello, Mrs. Sanders, please. ”Speaking. ‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your …

Continue reading

She Will Make it Greater

“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges …

Continue reading

Definition Distinction Between Guts and Balls

We’ve all heard about people “having guts” or “having balls”. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below… Guts – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and …

Continue reading

Helicopter Ride

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, ‘Edna,I’d like to ride in that helicopter’ Edna always replied, ‘I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks.’ One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy …

Continue reading

Love Making

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makina da love withna my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy.” The Frenchman replies, zat is noting, “When Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way¬† …

Continue reading

Single vs. Engaged vs. Married

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He …

Continue reading

Most Romantic First Line, But least Romantic Second Line

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses …

Continue reading

Michigan: Summer’s Almost Here

Summer’s almost here in Michigan…we can now see the deer moving around. Yep, won’t be long.

The Birds and the Bee’s and Jewelry?

The Michigan Wife

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Ohio and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see …

Continue reading

Saving a Life

There is an ongoing research study showing that the following photos have been taken to identify major causes of traffic accidents. I’m applying for a government grant to study this problem further. Wish me luck. “If it only saves one life…”

Significant Failures

Wine vs. Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t: As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end …

Continue reading

Spanish Words of the Day

1. Cheese The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito Replies: ‚ÄúMaria likes me, but cheese fat.‚Äù 2. Mushroom When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom. 3. Shoulder My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder. …

Continue reading

Definition of “Surprise”

Oil Change Instructions

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1.) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change. 2.) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper. 3.) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $40.00 Coffee: $2.00 Total: $42.00 Oil …

Continue reading

Top Seven Idiots of 2008

Number One Idiot of 2008 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her …

Continue reading

Atlanta Burger King Sign

Proof that the Atlanta city school system works! This is an actual picture of a Burger King in Atlanta.

Letter To Santa

Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother. Santa wrote back: “Send me your mother…”

Perfect Christmas Present for Men

Christmas lights

After several weeks of nagging from my dear wife I finally put up the Christmas Lights. I mean she would not let up! It’s a good thing I love her!

A Heartwarming Story

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!” ‘The cop asked, ‘What’s he like?’ The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.”

Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times’ sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, “How am I …

Continue reading

Penis Research

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French …

Continue reading

A Dog’s Intuition

Have you ever heard that a dog ‘knows’ when an earthquake is about to hit? Have you ever heard that a dog can ‘sense’ when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away? Do you remember hearing that before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at …

Continue reading

Victoria Secret

You’ve probably wondered what exactly Victoria’s Secret is…An abusive marriage? A child out of wedlock? Substance abuse? Nope. Much worse…After years of suspense…The Question is finally answered, “What, exactly, is Victoria’s Secret?”

Scary Halloween Story

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween-night, when behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to …

Continue reading

How Badly Do You Want A Beer?

Australian Speed Bump

Drunk Pumpkin

The Box Office

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.” An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row …

Continue reading

How to be Cruel to Old Guys!

Lil’ ole lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by …

Continue reading

Motivational Posters #2

Here are some more motivational posters. Some may be duplicate images with different messages…entertaining none the less.

Mowing & Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung.!” I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam …

Continue reading

Redneck Fire Alarm

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 70 and one 77, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 77 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 70 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The …

Continue reading

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new …

Continue reading

Halloween Moon

Polar Bear Attack in Canada

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack of a hiker above Mosinee, Canada, last summer. These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack. Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim should make a full recovery.

2008 Halloween Costume

Hooters Girl Retired

Getting Older

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple”s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What …

Continue reading

Cajun Math

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” The Cajun says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks “Ave you …

Continue reading

Morals

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two and gorgeous. One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to …

Continue reading

Bacon Grease Warning, Please Read!

The question is: Do you use bacon grease? We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore. Cooking With Bacon Grease …

Continue reading

Motivational Posters #1

Moments When It’s O.K. to Say, “Oh Shit!”

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next …

Continue reading

He Wore His Collar Backwards

A little boy got on the city bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.” The little boy replied, “My Dad doesn’t wear his collar …

Continue reading

Cars