Category: Humor/Jokes

The American Health Insurance Situation

The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America’s health insurance situation. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of …

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The Israeli Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn’t find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN …

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Air Force One’s New Ornament

It has been reported that Air Force One had a new ornament installed in support of Donald J. Trump, the President of the United States, who dares to Make America Great Again!

Chin Chin Restaurant

When I was in Las Vegas, Nevada I came across this restaurant. I saw the name and had to laugh because “chin chin” in Japanese means penis. I can’t say that I want to eat here. Who knows what they might serve? Yikes!

The Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?” The parrot says, “I was born this way.  I’m a defective parrot.” “Holy crap,” the guy replies.  “You actually …

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Signs of the Times

True Courage

Is it fighting a bull without a weapon? Is it flying a fighter in combat? Is it free fall parachuting? Is it bungee jumping? Is it white water rafting? Ah – But ​aare nothing! This, my friend, is true courage: (It’s also the last photo I have of my dog.)

Andrew Garfield Nominated for the Oscars

Andrew Garfield got nominated to the Oscars for Hacksaw Ridge. Looks like Spider-man is going to get an Oscar.

Oscars Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel will host the Oscars which will be interesting because he will make some jokes about the nominees and will have a blast doing so.

Oscars change up

Due to the small spacing of the Oscars last year, there are going to be a more bigger and a tarp that is going to be implemented in this years’ Oscars Red Carpet.

2017 Academy Awards Insider Information

If you would like to know some of the results and happenings of the 89th Academy Awards (keep reading) – The Artist won best motion picture – Octavius Spencer won for the movie The Help (Hollywood giving an award to a black woman from their whitest Oscars ever mistake) – Jean Dujardin won best actor …

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Points to Ponder

Irish Ghost Story

John Bradford, Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on​ ​​​a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he​ ​could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.​ ​Suddenly, he saw a car …

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Confucius Says

Confucius Say: It’s OK to let a fool kiss you; but don’t let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. Confucius Say: Marriage …

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Five Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. 2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 3. Having a cold drink on …

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Funny Aging Comics

Funny Signs

A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver that read: “We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.” Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”; In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”; On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels At an …

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Bob and the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. …

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Brief California History Lesson

Do you know what happened 166 years ago this summer…September 9th, 1850? California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except back then the women had real tits and the men didn’t hold …

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Democrats Recounting Votes

Democrats have been unhappy with the turnout of the Presidential election and have start to recount.

Kid Rock Understands the 2016 Election

Southern Cops Have a Way With Words

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos: 1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.” 2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.” 3. “If you take your hands …

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Demonstration of Love

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him? “Some women answered …

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Donkey

The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met …

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How is Your Day Going?

Now that I think about it, my day is going pretty good.

Funny Killer Robots Comic for Geeks

Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. “Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?” “I …

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Buttercups & Golf Balls

Towards the end of the golf course, Doug hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, …

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Chemistry Final Exam

There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an ‘A’ so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t …

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Swastika Building in Coronado Island

Did you know that there is a swastika shaped building in Coronado Island?  Well, I was looking around Coronado in Google Maps until I came across this building.

Yiddish Humor

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.” ————————————————————————————————————— I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ————————————————————————————————————— I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll …

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Golf Club Locker Room

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and …

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Republican Truck

I stopped by the Ford Dealership in Temecula yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck “feel” before they become old. The salesperson, a very nice looking black lady, wearing a “Hillary for President” lapel …

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Kansas Highway Patrol Officer Traffic Stop Story

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer: I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding On U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed …

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Miley Cyrus New Look

Funny Sign at the Sea Life Aquarium

I was at the Sea Life Aquarium and I saw this sign. The way the sign shows a finger pointing at a fish with a line through it and then the outside fish has a sad face, it looks like the sign is saying, “Don’t point at the fish. It hurts their self esteem.” Maybe …

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Truisms

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to …

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Free Sex with Every Fill-Up

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.” Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed …

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Why Women Live Longer

What Part of Your Body Goes to Heaven First?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, ‘When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?’ Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands.’ ‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’ Suzy replied: ‘Because when you …

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A Scouse Tale

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’   He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’   So she agreed, they were soon married, and off they went on a …

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Texas Gun Control

Little Larry the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Larry says: “I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, …

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Logical Law Student

A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind. Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?” Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?” Student: “Okay. So I’d like to ask you …

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Glorious Insults From Famous People

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.” “He had delusions of adequacy.” – …

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When You’re Over 60, Who Cares?

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.” Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” Cowboy: “Nah.. She’s purty good lookin’…..” When you are over sixty, who cares? *********** I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and …

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Study: Smelling Farts May Be Good For Your Health

The next time someone in your office, room or space lets out a “silent but deadly” emission, maybe you should thank them. A new study at the University of Exeter in England suggests that exposure to hydrogen sulfide — a.k.a. what your body produces as bacteria breaks down food, causing gas — could prevent mitochondria …

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Alerts to Threats in 2015 Europe

From John Cleese The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in …

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Famous Beer Quotes

“Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.” -Will Rogers Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes …

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