Category: Humor/Jokes

3 Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze. 1st Hillbilly says: “My wife sure is stupid!…She bought an air conditioner. ” 2nd Hillbilly says: “Why is that stupid?” 1st Hillbilly says: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!” 2nd Hillbilly says: “That’s nothin’! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled …

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Only a Mom Would Know

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed …

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Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course child. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll …

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Politics: Together We Can Make it Happen

There are two months until the General Election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States . The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It’s time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike. If you support the policies and …

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Anger Management

Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

50th Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. ‘Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,’ gushed son number one …. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t …

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Buttercups and Golfballs

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff …

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A Cat Named Lucky

Hallmark Writers

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day…….. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat. Sorry! Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don’t fret about it.. . She moved in with me. Looking back …

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Urologist

My internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She’s beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. I asked her why and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you…”

How To Recognize A Persian Cat

You Finish?

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled …

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Military Humor

Pastor Fluff

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to …

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Cats and Dogs

How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill …

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Ever Wonder Where the Term “Dickhead” Came From?

A Beer Before It Starts

Sears Cajun Catalog

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Boudreaux says to Thibodeaux, ‘Did you see de purty girls in dis catalog?’ Thibodeaux replies, ‘Yes, dey are vary beautiful. And look at de price!’ Boudreaux says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, dey don’t cost much. At dis price, I’m gonna to buy …

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Bangkok Bar

A Real Man’s Grill

Free to a Good Home

* Free to good home. * Excellent guard dog. * Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. * Most of them knew him as “Holy Shit.”

Golfing Nun Cursed

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. ‘ What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior, ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’ ‘It was,’ sighed the Sister, ‘and I went to play golf with my brother. …

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Hearing Problems

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your …

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Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game …

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Golf Sign in Arizona

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona: 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN. 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING …

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This is One Pissed Off Cat

Drunk Walks Out of a Bar

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches “Can I help you sir?” “Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr” the man replies. The cop asks “Where was your car the last time you saw it” …

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New Wiper Blades

I got a new set of wiper blades on my car. I think they might be too long because they hang over the edges a little, but I don’t care, they work great. I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch. It’s …

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Bobby Ray and Susie May Getting Down

Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, “Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some.” Susie Jane said, “Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter.” Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket …

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New Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas, ‚Ä®Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. ‚Ä®‚Ä® Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and‚Ä® said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’‚Ä®‚Ä® Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’‚Ä®‚Ä® Frustrated, Bert …

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Sometimes it’s Better to Have a Small One!

Robot Lie Detector

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, …

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Evolution of the Television

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the …

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Buried at Sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up …

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Lil’ Johnny Strikes Again…

Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for. First pupil: “Tylenol?” Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?” Pupil: “It is used for headaches” Second pupil: “Nytol Teacher” Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?” Pupil: “To help you sleep” Now it is Johnny’s …

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Two Prostitutes – $50.00

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which read: ‘Two Prostitutes — $50.00.’ Suddenly a passing patrol officer spotted the sign displayed on the top of their car, stopped them, and warned them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. About that time, another …

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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting Flies” he responded. “Oh. Killing any?” she asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked; “How can you tell them apart?” He responded, “3 were on a beer can, …

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Least Hunted Animal

After almost 60 years of marriage…

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much …

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If Condoms Had Sponsors…

Bear Removal

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a …

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Pond in the Back

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the …

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When your dog steals your moment:

Bullfrog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. ‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I have a very large bullfrog. …

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Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that His bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: …

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Your Hair Smells Good

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she …

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State Fair

My wife and I went to the State Fair, and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, ‘He …

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Women!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were …

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The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome. Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes . After a few days they meet again…..The engaged girlfriend …

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