Category: Humor/Jokes

Motivational Posters

Imposters

Tattooist Takes Fan’s Request Literally

A supporter of Australian Football team Geelong Cats wanting a permanent reminder of the team’s AFL triumph has been left by a tattoo saying his team were “Gay Premiers 2007”. In a celebratory trip to Thailand last week “Neville”, a dyed-in-the-wool Cats fan, had 15 cans of beer to ease the pain of the 5-¬¨Œ© …

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Inflatable Doll

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, ‘Male or female?’ Customer says, ‘Female.’ Counter guy asks, ‘Black or white? Customer says, ‘White.’ Counter guy asks, ‘Christian or Muslim?’ Customer says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’ Counter guy says, ‘The Muslim …

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Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given onlythe following facts about terrorists : 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. …

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All Catholic Girls Go To Heaven

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, “Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one …

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44 Years of Marriage

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one Day and said, ‘Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a Sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. …

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Casa D’Ice Restaurant Signs

Casa D’Ice Restaurant is just 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh in North Versailles, PA ). The owner changes the signs whenever he gets another idea…Or just wants to make a [political] statement and WOW! The only problem? He uses some pretty foul language to make his points.

You May Be A Taliban…

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they’ve trained their sense of humor with the following: “You may be a Taliban if . . . 1) You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2) You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but …

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Reason to Leave AA

Deer or Dear?

A man goes deer hunting and successfully fills his freezer with venison. One night he cooks some up for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their …

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That’s Gonna Leave a Mark!

The other end of the rainbow

Kentucky Fried Chicken Political Bucket

Photos That Didn’t Make it into the Wedding Album

Another dream shattered

Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow! Wouldn’t you know it?

Women vs Men

Woman’s Perfect Breakfast She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Woman’s Revenge “Cash, check or …

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Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex …

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Cold is a Relative Thing in Michigan

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in Michigan plant gardens. 50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Michigan sunbathe. 40 above zero: Italian & English cars won’t start. People in Michigan drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Lake Michigan gets thicker. 20 above …

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Movie Scenes That Are Not Quite Right

Hey, Samari Warrior, what time is it? Hey, Dude!…Put your finger on the trigger! Trojan War? Check. Jet in the sky? Check. Costumes?….Bows?….Arrows?….Cell phone?…Action! What? Oh, I remember now….Adidas….Founded in 1635

Hillary’s Dreams

Funny Signs

Things You Don’t See Everyday

Puppies For Sale

I will soon have bird dog pups for sale. Anyone who is interested please contact me as soon as possible. The litter will probably be between 7 to 10 pups , which I will sell at a very reasonable price. Here is a photo of the parents of the litter, to give you an idea …

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Bubba and the Psychiatrist

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. ‘I’ve got problems Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’ ‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid …

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Sex is Missing Again

Folks generally aren’t very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That’s why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he’d be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this: “One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran …

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It’s time to play “Find the Canadian!”

This week’s challenge is especially difficult. View the attached candid photograph and use logic to locate the clues that will let you “Find the Canadian!” Do you have the skill? Do you have the ability? Do you know enough about your northern cousins? Can you find the Canadian?

Is America at War?

As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in …

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The Wrong Bitch

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman’s poodle. The war weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular …

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Differences Between Women And Men

1. NAMES If Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne go out for lunch, they will call each other Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne. If Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Harold, Dave and …

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Cat Baths

A few thoughts on cat baths…by The Cat “But You Said You Loved Me!” “You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.” “Jeepers, you call this water warm???” “I don’t think I like you anymore.” “You SUCK!!!!!!” “E.T. phone home……quick!” “No, I’m not your Good Little Kitty anymore.” “Traction….I’m losing Traction!” “I …

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Never Piss Off your Plastic Surgeon!

Hot date in Alabama

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: “I got a hot date ! tonight , an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?” The pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.” “TACKS!” the shocked redneck says. …

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Groaner

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight …

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Those Crazy Bikers

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage …

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Grouchy

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, ‘How did I get here?’ Her mother told her, ‘God sent you.’ ‘Did God send you,too?’ asked the child. ‘Yes,Dear,’ the mother replied. ‘What about Grandma and Grandpa?’ the child persisted. ‘He sent them also,’ the mother said. ‘Did he send their parents,too?’ asked the child. …

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Just Like In The Movies?

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. ‘What are you so happy about?’ asks the barman. ‘Well, I’ll tell you,’ replies the ugly man. ‘You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the …

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A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly….. He in the upper bunk and she in …

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The “Middle Wife” by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps …

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Movie Poster – Broke Back Mountain 2

Orthopedic Bed Just for Men

Someone has finally made an orthopedic bed just for men. Available only at “Butts, Boobs and Beyond”

Old Age

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today..” The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, …

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New Sex Study

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Redneck Birth Control

Signs That You May be Having a Bad Day

1.) You woke up in a strange place 2.) Your new diet doesn’t seem to be working 3.) You pulled a muscle while trying to exercise 4.) Your new hat looked better on you at the store 5.) You keep losing things 6.) You feel like you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time …

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Great Ads

Chelsea Clinton

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier. She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him. He told her there were only three things he feared: 1) Osama 2) Obama And 3) Yo Mama!

Real Men of Genius

What is a 710?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?” She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and …

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Investment Tips for 2008

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008. 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, …

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