Category: Humor/Jokes

Political Correctness

For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do …

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The Importance of Water

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood …

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The Way Women Think

Husband’s Text Message to wife Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound …

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Strange Things

Things That Make You Smile

Rules Are Rules

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. …

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Texas Humor

Jewish Mother’s Know Best

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Nathan.” All he wants is sex, sex, and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 – cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel.” Her mother says… “You’re married to a multi – millionaire businessman! You live in …

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How To Catch A Bear

A man in Michigan ‘s Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there’s an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.” He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and …

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America’s Smartest President

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so American’s don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the …

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Whatever You Give a Woman

Must Love Seniors

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” …

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How in the World Did You Get There?

Polish Sausage

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘prejudice’ these days…………….A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?” The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me …

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Church Bells

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother …

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Minnesotan Hunter

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin. Several hours …

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my …

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Spice It Up

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, “Are you …

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Love at 81

Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others’ company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined …

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Hollywood Squares

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q.. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make …

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Sweater

A blond was speeding down the highway knitting a sweater, yes a sweater. A police officer notices this, pulls up next to her, and yells! “PULL OVER”, “No” she politely replies, a turtleneck.

Socrates

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?” “Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the …

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Deer Crossing

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing …

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Liquor Store Robber

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store …

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Record Store Robber

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”. When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Catholic Elementary School Cafeteria

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of …

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Blood Circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’ ‘Yes,’ the class said. ‘Then why is it that while …

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School Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor’.’ A small …

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Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, …

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Drawing God

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’ The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows …

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Swallowed by a Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a …

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Modern Culture

Men Do Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at …

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Signs That Make You Smile

4 Year Old’s 1st Paycheck

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a …

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Lone Ranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?” “The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What that tell you?” asked …

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Canada

Irish Diabetic

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy – reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. “Could you taste this for me, please?” The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, …

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Case Study

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responded by yelling at the top of her …

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The Male Cycle

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was …

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Little Bruce

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and …

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Golf Lessons

A foursome of guys are waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women are hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another …

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Maxine on the Economy

Marriage (written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10 -No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to …

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Irate Airline Passenger

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:-“I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied: “I’m sorry, …

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Two Irish Moose Hunters

Paddy and Mick arrived in Quebec for a moose hunting trip and hired a private pilot to fly them deep into the Canadian wilderness. After many mishaps and adventures, by the end of the trip they had managed to bag a moose each. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said he …

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Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my …

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The Correct Way to Weigh Yourself

No Need For Google

Survival Skills