– Your last name stays put.
– The garage is all yours.
– Wedding plans take care of themselves.
– Chocolate is just another snack.
– You can be president.
– You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
– Car mechanics tell you the truth.
– You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
– The world is your urinal.
– You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
– Same work… more pay.
– Wrinkles add character.
– Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
– People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
– The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
– New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
– Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
– One mood, ALL the damn time.
– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
– You know stuff about tanks.
– A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
– You can open all your own jars
– Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.
– You can leave the motel bed unmade.
– You can kill your own food.
– You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
– Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
– If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
– Everything on your face stays its original color.
– You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
– Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
– You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
– You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
– You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
– You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
– You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
– You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
– You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
– The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
– You don’t have to shave below your neck.
– Your belly usually hides your big hips.
– One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
– You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
– You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustac-he.
– You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.