Drunk Walks Out of a Bar
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches “Can I help you sir?”
“Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr” the man replies.
The cop asks “Where was your car the last time you saw it”
“It wasss on the end of thisshh key” the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man “Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out………”Holy crap! My girlfriend’s gone too!”
New Wiper Blades
I got a new set of wiper blades on my car. I think they might be too long because they hang over the edges a little, but I don’t care, they work great. I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch. It’s hard to keep my eyes on the road sometimes. Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I’ve even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work. They were outrageously expensive, but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great.
Bobby Ray and Susie May Getting Down
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, “Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some.”
Susie Jane said, “Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter.”
Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, “Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents.”
Susie Jane said, “Ain’t no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter.”
Bobby Ray said, “I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?”
Susie Jane said, “You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won’t stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, “Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth.”
So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it.
After about a minute, Susie Jane said, “Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY” and he said, “Oh Susie Jane, now don’t tell me I have got ten cents worth already”, and she said, “Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, “Uhuh.” And she said, “Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?” Bobby Ray said, “Uhuh.”
Susie May said, “BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I’m a fixin to loan you fifteen cents”.
Information Systems and Users
[Abstract]
The purpose of this document is to provide an increased or basic knowledge of how users interact with information systems by utilizing input and output devices, computer performance factors, network performance issues, and correlating them to the online virtual campus.
[Content]
When viewing the American Intercontinental University online virtual campus system as an information system, it is important to realize there are different components of the system and how they tie together. One key component to the online virtual campus is that users need input and out devices and what types there are in order to access and use the campus. When using the virtual campus it is important to know what type of information system it is, i.e. application software or system software. It is also instrumental to know that when users access the information system what components of their hardware devices as well as their network connections affect the performance of the information system. Finally it is important to know which data needs to be managed within the information system.
In order to know what types of input and output devices are necessary to interact with the AIU virtual campus it is good to know what the differences between input and output devices are as well as how they are used. A definition of an input device is anything that can be used for the interaction between the real world and the computer world. This means devices such as keyboards, mice, microphones, cameras, and even some security devices to gain access to a computer such as a biometric device. Output devices are any type of device that is used to communicate information from a data processing system to a user in the real world. Some examples of output devices are monitors, speakers, and printers. When a user attempts to log into the information system they use an input device such as a keyboard to type in their logon credentials. The information system then verifies their credentials to their security policies in order to ensure the user is authorized to access the system. The information system processes the requested data and sends it back to the user and displays it on the users output device i.e. monitor. The use of input and output devices is how users interact with an information system in order to retrieve the desired results.
Is the AIU online virtual campus an application software or system software? To best understand weather the AIU virtual campus is application software or system software it is important to know what the difference is between the two. Application software is a piece of software that uses the capabilities of the system software in order to produce the tasks and results the user wishes to perform. System software is software that is involved with incorporating the computer’s capabilities, but does not always apply them to tasks that directly benefit the user (2008). A good example of the difference between software application and system software would be to say an example of a software application is a light bulb. An example of system software would be to call it a power plant. It is possible for the power plant to produce energy in the form of electricity that may not affect the user until an application for the energy is needed, like turning on the light switch for the light bulb. With knowing the differences between application software and system software it is apparent that the AIU online virtual campus is application software.
There are different devices that can affect the performance at which an information system is accessed or information is processed within the information system. One of the 1st and foremost devices, which directly affect the way information, is accessed or processed is the type of connection being used to access the system. For example if a student is on the online virtual campus via the campus Gigabit Ethernet network, the performance is going to be much greater than a user who is thousands of miles away using a 56Kbps dialup modem. High bandwidth connections are not always needed as within the dated mainframe systems that would have a 9.6k dumb terminal directly connected to it. This dumb terminal could product results quicker than the high bandwidth Gigabit Ethernet connection due to it being directly connected to the system it was processing data from. Another key aspect to the performance of an information system is the amount of Random Access Memory (RAM) on the system. Random access memory is a volatile memory that is in the form of integrated circuits that are used to store information. When the RAM on a system is completely full, the computer system will then start to write information to the local hard drive as an additional memory, this is called swapping (Alex, 2003). Although swapping may be good the system is intelligent enough to use other components as additional memory, it does greatly affect the performance of the system.
Since we know the AIU virtual campus is a system application, how users access that system, and what components affect the performance of the system, there is one last thing to know about and it is definitely the most important thing. The most important and most valuable thing that pertains to any information system is the information or data itself. On any network or any information system, if one component fails it is recoverable, however if data is lost this is not recoverable, except by recreating the data. The AIU virtual campus consists of different components within the application system, but the most important is the database, which contains all of the information. Databases are an integral part of information systems, not only because they store the data, but also because users can query the data to produce specific results. For example if a user wanted to look up information about John Doe, they would query the database for any instances of Doe, John and then they could filter the information down to the dates John Doe attended the school, what types of grades the student received, mailing address, and any other pertinent information to the student. Databases within information systems store the most valuable information for that information system.
In conclusion, the AIU online virtual campus is a software application that runs on a computer system. The input and output devices are how users interact between the real world and the computer world. Their network connections as well as their computer bus speed, and the amount of RAM in their computer can all directly affect the performance of how a user interacts with the information system. When a user interacts with the information system what they are really doing is querying a database in order to produce the results the user was looking for. Out of any of the entire information system the data contained within the database is the most important and needs to be protected and managed accordingly.
References
1. (2008). System software Definition: TechEncyclopedia from TechWeb. Retrieved July 23, 2008, from system software Definition: TechEncyclopedia from TechWeb Web site:
2. Alex, P (2003). Computer Performance factors. Retrieved July 23, 2008, from Computer Performance factors Web site:
New Cowboy Boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas, 
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 


Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and‚Ä® said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, notice anything different NOW?’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S‚Ä® HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’‚Ä® ‘Nope’, she replied. ‚Ä®‚Ä®
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW‚Ä® BOOTS!!!!’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‚Ä® ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’
Robot Lie Detector
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 12 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’, they asked.
‘Oh a bunch of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy. The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
‘Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.’
‘Uh, we went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’
‘What did you watch?’, asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I’m ashamed of you Son,’ said John. ‘You know, when I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.’ The robot walked around to John and delivered a blow that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.
When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you know, you can’t be too mad at Tommy—after all, He is your son!’ The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the tar out of her.
Dusty Underwear
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. “What the Hell is this??” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker…”It’s not talcum powder……It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”
Buried at Sea
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’ Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, ‘nope, not yet Bubbles’.
So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.’
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, OK, it’s finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.’
Lil’ Johnny Strikes Again…
Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
First pupil: “Tylenol?”
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?”
Pupil: “It is used for headaches”
Second pupil: “Nytol Teacher”
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?”
Pupil: “To help you sleep”
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he says: “Viagra”
Teacher, slightly shocked: “Johnny, What do you think is it used for?”
Johnny: “It can be used for diarrhea”
Teacher: “Who told you this?”
Johnny: “Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father …”Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.”
Take a Drop Guys!
There is a reason you don’t go into the weeds where it’s warm and wet looking for your golfball!
Two Prostitutes – $50.00
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which read: ‘Two Prostitutes — $50.00.’
Suddenly a passing patrol officer spotted the sign displayed on the top of their car, stopped them, and warned them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
About that time, another car passed by, with a sign saying: ‘JESUS SAVES.’
One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?!’
‘Well, that’s a little different, ‘The officer smiled…,’Their sign pertains to religion.’
So the two ladies of the night frowned, and taking down their sign drove off.
The following day found the same patrol officer, in the area when he noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them, when he noticed that there was now a new sign which read:
Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting Flies” he responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked; “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
After almost 60 years of marriage…
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”
The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth, “he said, “Her name slipped my mind about ten years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is.”
Kaneohe BayFest 2008 – 3 Doors Down
This year for BayFest 2008 some of the bands playing are 3 Doors Down, Live, Everclear, and some country singer. It’s not everyday that a southern rock band comes to Hawaii so it’s a great chance to go check out some real music, as opposed to this local style music, and rock things out a little bit. In the past BayFest has had some pretty good bands like, Staind, Lynard Skynard, and others.
3 Doors down sparked my interest, so I went and checked them out today. I took some photos and short videos. My photos didn’t turn out very clear, but the video turned out ok. 3 Doors Down played some old, familiar, and some new songs off their new album. It was cool to get out and check the band out, but one thing that surprised me is that the lead singer and one guitarist were the only two people who actually moved around the stage. The other guys kind of just stood back and played the music. I thought that was kind of disappointing because I was expecting this band to be more lively and exciting. It was a pretty cool concert and finished off with some cool fireworks, so there are definitely no complaints here.
Watch the video:3 Doors Down – Kaneohe BayFest 2008
Watch the video:It’s Not My Time – 3 Doors Down – Kaneohe BayFest 2008
4th of July in Hawaii
In Hawaii people don’t make as big of a deal about the Independence day of the United States, that is probably due to the large Asian population living in Hawaii. They seem to make a bigger deal out of New Year’s Eve than they do the 4th of July. So this year I went to celebrate the 4th of July with some people who really know how to party…the service men and women of the Marine Corps. stationed at Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii. For the last few years I have been coming to Kaneohe to celebrate the 4th of July because every year the MCCS puts on the Kaneohe Bayfest. This year I watched the fireworks while sitting under the wing of a P3 airplane and next to a Marine helicopter. Now that’s something you don’t do everyday!
USS Missouri
Went down to the USS Missouri (The Mighty MO) located in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii and took a tour and snapped some photos. Here are some of the photos. This was quite an experience. The USS Missouri shoots projectiles the size of a Volkswagen Bug up to 30 miles. Wow! Also it was quite a thing to stand on the exact spot where the Japanese signed their surrender to World War II in Tokyo Bay. If you ever get the opportunity, definitely go visit the USS Missouri and take in the whole experience.
USS Bowfin
Took a tour of the USS Bowfin in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Here are some of my photos from that experience.
Bear Removal
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then, I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
Pond in the Back
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Some old men can still think fast.
Bullfrog
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.
‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blowjobs!’
‘Blowjobs!’ the woman replied.
‘It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,’ he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true…no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
‘What are you two doing at this hour?’ she asked. The husband replied, ‘If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.’
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that His bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion..Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
St acy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card That’s in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
Your Hair Smells Good
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, “what’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, ‘It’s Keith, the midget.”
Human Statue of Liberty 1918
The picture was taken in 1918. It is thousands of men preparing for war in a training camp at Camp Dodge in Iowa. A gift from some of our grandfathers.