The Kumachan – Page 274 – Celebration of free speech

Stupid Statistics

Dave 2004-11-28

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that”s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig”s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I”m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male”s head off.
(“Honey, I”m home. What the….?!”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It”s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you”re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)

A cat”s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich”s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they”ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

3 Certainties

Dave 2004-11-27

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 60s or early 70s. “Can I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Natalie’ the man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” said the madam.

“No. I must see Natalie” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row – it was simply too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. “No one as ever used me three nights in a row.” Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “Texas.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in Texas.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is:

Some things in life are certain
1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Poker Player

Dave 2004-11-26

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill”s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything you liked under there?”

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, “Well, you can have it but it”ll cost you $500.”

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he is indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, worked Friday afternoons and John didn”t, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill”s house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”

A little worried, Bill”s wife answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he”d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

NOW THAT”S A POKER PLAYER.

Napkins for a special occasion

Dave 2004-11-25

My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping ”napkins” in the bathroom. Didn”t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions”.

Now fast forward a few months…

It”s Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn”t hang off the edge!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

Want to Curl Up and Die?

Dave 2004-11-24

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never. My husband didn’t say a word, he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I”m just looking at your nuts. “My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
Diane E. Amov

Ask a child the same question too many times… Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don”t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing. He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they”d ever had!

Don’t Close the Blinds

Dave 2004-11-23

The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation.’, ‘My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window. He said “Son, stand there and tell me what you see?”

“I see trees and cars and our neighbor”s houses.” he replied.

“OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush.”

Our son giggled and said “OK.”

“Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country” my husband said.

“OK, Dad, I”m pretending.”

“Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam come out of his house with his wife. He has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the
face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this son…. what do you do?”

“Dad?”

“What do you do son?”

“I”d call the police, Dad.”

“OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations and they take your call, listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then, son?”

“Dad………. but the police are supposed to help!” My son starts to whine.

“They don”t want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it,” my husband says.

“But Dad…he killed her!!” my son exclaims.

“I know he did…but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you”re pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children.”

“Daddy…he kills them?”

“Yes son, he does. What do you do?”

“Well, if the police don”t want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him.” our son says.

“Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him,” my husband says.

“But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can”t stop him by myself!!”

“WHAT DO YOU DO, SON?” Our son starts to cry.

“OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next, son?”

“What Daddy?”

“He walks across the street to the old lady”s house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then…he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the
window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?”

“Daddy…”

“WHAT DO YOU DO?”

Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, “I”d close the blinds, Daddy.”

My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him, “Why?”

“Because, Daddy…..the police are supposed to help people who need them…and they won”t help…. you always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won”t help either…they won”t help me stop him…I”m afraid….I can”t do it by myself, Daddy….I can”t look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and…and…..do nothing…so….I”m just going to close the blinds…so I can”t see what he”s doing……..and I”m going to pretend that it is not happening.”

I start to cry.

My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband”s questions and he says, “Son.”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“Open the blinds, because that man…. he”s at your front door. “WHAT DO YOU DO?”

My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: “I”D DEFEND MY FAMILY, DAD!! I”M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I”M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I”M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!”

I see a tear roll down my husband”s cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says… “It”s too late to fight him, he”s too strong and he”s already at YOUR front door, son…..you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what”s right, even if you have to do it alone, before it”s too late,” my husband whispers.

THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen, THAT is the greatest EVIL of all.

Our President is doing what is right. We, as a free nation, must understand that this war is a war of humanity. WE must remove evil men from power so that we can continue to live in a free world where we are not
afraid to look out our window so that my nine year old son won”t grow up in a world where he feels that if he just “closes” the blinds the atrocities in the world won”t affect him.

“YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!” BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS…”

Quickies!

Dave 2004-11-22

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn”t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I”m not sure, What was her maiden name?
———————————————————————-
A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine”
————————————————————————
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I”ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.” “That”s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I”ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
————————————————————————
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don”t like the looks of your wife at all,” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she”s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
———————————————————————
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
————————————————————————
Two Reasons Why It”s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
————————————————————————
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it”ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies, “Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
————————————————————————
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun?! What is golf gun?” “I don”t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”
————————————————————————
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
————————————————————————
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he”s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”
The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”
————————————————————————
Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn”t believe in hell.”
————————————————————————
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I”m O. K. but I didn”t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
————————————————————————
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband”s advice.
“What do you think? ” I asked.
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You”d never get it all in one.”
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“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed…every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn”t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle…when the sun comes up, you”d better be running.”

Roping

Dave 2004-11-21

A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They drive a few more hours and she sees a horse and a mare having sex. Again she asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They finally get to the hotel, washed up, and got ready for bed. They get in bed and start exploring each other”s body. She discovers his penis and asked, “What is this?” “That”s my rope,” he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?” “They are my knots,” he replies. Finally, they begin making love. After several minutes, she says, “Stop, honey, wait a minute!” “What”s the matter baby?” he asks. She replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!

Signs You’ve Grown Up

Dave 2004-11-20

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can”t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. You”re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won”t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
10. You don”t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
11. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
13. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
14. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM
15. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle your stomach.
16. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
17. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
18. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
19. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn”t apply to you.

Government

Dave 2004-11-19

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you”ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he”d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn”t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn”t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn”t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was……..God, I miss him!

But now that I”ve married you, I”m so excited!”

“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”

“You’re with the Government honey. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!

Monica Lewinsky

Dave 2004-11-18

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. “God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,” she prayed. And just like that, her ears fell off.

Honesty, Thimbles, and Mel Gibson

Dave 2004-11-17

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river when her thimble fell into the water. As she began to cry, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the river and that she needed it to help her husband earn a living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared holding a golden thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came back with a silver thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord went down a third time and returned with a wooden thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep. The seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank when her husband slipped and fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord once again appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord,” she said, “my husband has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the river and came back up with Mel Gibson.
“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes!” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. “You have lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress quickly replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. This is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three.”

“Lord,” she continued, “I am not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of three husbands. That is why I said ‘yes’ to Mel Gibson.”

The moral of this story:
Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason — and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Love’s Fiery Revenge: A Tale of Unexpected Strength

Dave 2004-11-16

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you?” The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to.”

Old Virus

Dave 2004-11-15

1. THE AL GORE Virus….(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
2. THE CLINTON Virus….(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
4. THE LEWINSKY Virus…(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus….(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus….(Quits after two bytes)
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus….(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus…(Deletes all old files)
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus…(Disks can no longer be inserted)
10. THE PROZAC Virus…(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn”t care)
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus…(Only attacks minor files)
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus…(Terminates some files, leaves,but will be back)
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus…(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Fifty Dollars

Dave 2004-11-14

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I”d like to ride in that airplane.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I”m 85 years old. If I don”t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

Esther replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I”ll make you a deal. I”ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won”t charge you; but if you say one word it”s 50 dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn”t.”

Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.

Difference Between Men and Women Showering

Dave 2004-11-13

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it”s clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband has been eating your ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ”woo-woo” sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Taste your wife”s ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ”woo-woo” sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.

Chores

Dave 2004-11-12

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little irritated so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well, his mother says “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week”. “I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are aren’t getting any milk.” Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

For Veteran’s Day

Dave 2004-11-11

I watched the flag pass by one day,
It fluttered in the breeze.

A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease..

I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
With hair cut square and eyes alert
He”d stand out in any crowd.

I thought how many men like him
Had fallen through the years.

How many died on foreign soil
How many mothers” tears?

How many pilots” planes shot down?
How many died at sea
How many foxholes were soldiers” graves?

No, freedom isn”t free.

I heard the sound of Taps one night,
When everything was still,
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.

I wondered just how many times
That Taps had meant “Amen,”

When a flag had draped a coffin.
Of a brother or a friend.

I thought of all the children,
Of the mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
With interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington.
No, freedom isn’t free.

Questions & Answers

Dave 2004-11-10

Q: What’s a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What’s the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
A: About three inches.

Q: What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well-Hung.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Home Wireless Network Users Need to Properly Secure Their Networks From Threats

Dave 2004-11-09

In recent years, technology has been rapidly developing. This development introduced us to the Internet, commercial networks, and even home networks to move towards using wireless networks. In America, home networks are the vast majority of users on the Internet. Since home networks are the majority of users on the Internet, you will learn about some of the threats lurking both on the Internet and even in your own neighborhoods. You will also learn about how home wireless network users can properly secure their networks from these threats.
‘, ‘The most feared threats that can be found on the Internet are hackers. Hackers can be broken down into two major categories. The first type of hacker, known as a ?White Hat Hacker?‚Äö√†√∂¬¨¬Æ, is a person who uses their skill or ability to morally and legally pursue their interest. These types of hackers will typically disassemble whatever they are trying to learn about, to see how it works. These hackers have been associated with a white hat because their intentions are not bad in nature. These hackers are surprisingly helpful to many commercial companies. One major way they help commercial companies, is by them finding vulnerability by pushing a computer system to its limits and then alerting the vendor. The most feared hacker is the, ?Black Hat Hackers.?‚Äö√†√∂¬¨¬Æ These hackers have only malicious intentions. In many cases, black hat hackers will try to break into a computer network to steal valuable information, such as credit card data. They will use this data for their own personal gain. Black hat hackers are destructive to applications, computer hardware, and computer networks.

A computer virus is a self-replicating program that spreads by inserting copies of itself into other executable code or documents. A computer virus behaves in a way similar to a biological virus, which spreads by inserting itself into living cells and then becoming part of that cell. Extending the analogy, the insertion of the virus into a program is termed infection, and the infected file is called a host. Much as a biological virus can spread throughout numerous hosts, a computer virus can spread throughout millions of hosts on the Internet within a matter of hours.

A computer worm can be defined as a self-replication computer program. A computer worm is much like a virus, however when a virus attaches itself to another program it becomes part of that program. A worm is self-contained and does not need to be part of another program to propagate itself. The name ?worm? came from two researchers working for Xerox. They were doing a paper on experiments in distributed computing, when they noticed similarities between their software and a program from a 1970s novel written by John Brunner.

There are many different types of network security methods used, when it comes to protecting a network. One of the most successful methods used to secure a network is the boundary protection method. This method takes different computing mechanisms and puts them between what they are trying to protect and where the threat lies. Some of the mechanisms used are firewalls, proxy servers, anti-virus applications, intrusion detection systems and even virtual private networks. Each one of these mechanisms functions at a different networking layer and provides more of an obstacle for the threat to overcome. These obstacles deter threats from attempting to intrude into their networks. A hacker is less likely to penetrate a well-secured network; especially when there is other much less secure networks readily available, thus providing network security.

Whether you are using a home wireless router from any of a variety of vendors, the process to securing your wireless network is still the same. First you want to start at your access point closest to the Internet, for home users we will say this point is either your cable modem or DSL modem. The first thing you need to do is implement some sort of security. You can choose between your router performing a network address translation and port scanning security measure, installing a hardware firewall, or proxy server. Since most home users do not want to spend the money on additional security devices, some companies such as Linksys (a subsidiary of Cisco Networking Systems) have built the technology into their wireless routers. The first thing you should do when initially configuring your home wireless network router, is change the factory default administrative password. Once you have changed the administrative password, you want to configure the router to support only the amount of hosts you are going to have on your wireless network. The factory default setting supports up to 255 users. Unless you want 255 users within your wireless routers range to connect to your network, it is best to enable your router to support only the number of hosts you will be connecting. After you have changed both of those settings, your next step is to enable the wired equivalent privacy protocol (WEP), or the WI-FI protocol, depending on what your router supports. Please refer to your owner?s manual for more detail of what your wireless router supports. Both WEP and WI-FI work by encrypting the data that is being transmitted and received between your computer and the wireless router. These typically are either 64 bit or 128 bit encryption standards. The next step to securing your wireless router is to perform MAC address filtering, provided your router supports it. If your router supports MAC address filtering, you first need to log into your computer and then find out what your MAC address is on your wireless network card. Once you have your MAC address, input that into your router and filter it so only hosts with this MAC address can access your network. The next step is to check your routers manual to see if your router actually does perform network address translation. If it does, there should be nothing you need to configure for this. As we are getting closer to completing the configuration of your wireless router, there are still a few precautionary steps you should take to secure your network a little more. One of the final steps is to change your internal network address from the factory default setting to another network address. By default, most home wireless network routers us a non-routable IP address range. This non-routable network address is either 10.10.1.1 or 192.168.1.1. To learn more about how to properly subnet your network, please refer to your owner?s manual. For this scenario we are going to say you changed your network address from 192.168.1.1 to 192.168.2.1. As we know from before, your router is only set up to allow the exact number of hosts you are connecting to your network. Finally the last thing you should check within your router is to see if it has any network ports open by default on the router. Some routers have to be manually turned off and other routers have it built in to block external connections to your router, unless the connection is initiated from the internal side.

Now that your router is configured correctly, we should consider the worse case scenario of your data being lost or compromised. Some of the methods to recovering lost data are by using internal programs to the operating system or 3rd party programs. Within Microsoft Windows there is a backup utility to perform backups and recovery. Another method is to configure your computer the way you want it, make a ghost image by using Symantec?s Norton System Ghost, and then putting that image on a media that is not on your local computer. That way, if your system gets corrupted you can always restore it to the last known good state. You can always backup your system files to another computer or network attached storage device. Finally, you can use a 3rd party program such as Veritas to backup your computer state files to a tape drive. This program also allows you to restore from the tape media.

You have seen some of the threats that lurk on the Internet and simple ways to protect yours home wireless network from these threats. Congratulations, now you can consider your home wireless network and personal data secure.

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