A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.”
“Sorry,” said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”
“OK, then, I want to die after the government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.
“You crafty little bastard,” said the genie..
Went to the Osaka Aquarium today. This was pretty neat because I took a relaxing boat ride from one side of the harbor to the other side. Then I walked into the aquarium. It was neat because it had huge tanks there are multiple stories tall. Here are some of the photos from that experience.
Went to Osaka castle today. It was really hot and humid, however I really wanted to see the castle. It was really easy to get there by taking the train from Universal Studios, Japan to Osaka castle. Here are some of the photos I took of the experience. I really like seeing and experiencing the different castles of Japan.
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on
The freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up.
“So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor
“We’re getting granite counter tops.”
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decid ed it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you? He said, “Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, ‘Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Bill’s turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man’s man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night.”
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
A student is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl sat by a table alone: -“Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: -“I DON ‘T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said with a laugh: – “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: -“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT ‘S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: -“I study law, and I know how to screw people!”
A chicken farmer went to a local bar sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer says, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.
“What a coincidence” says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man… “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different cock,” he replied…
The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence”…
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, “Toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”
Dad says,”What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,”Well, he certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, ‘Hello – I think you are the father of one of my kids.’ Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
A good lesson for all…
Bob’s wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing? Apparently, “heating up your breakfast” was not the right answer.
For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked if her husband would mind making the next day’s lunches for them both. Obligingly he agrees.
The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband, ‘Where are our lunches honey?’
He replied, ‘I put them on the second shelf of the fridge.
My lunch is the one on the left, and yours is on the right.’
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months. ‘
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Nookie Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Nookie Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,….’No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’..
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?” “Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.” “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he to began to praised the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me … I’m on disability.”
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says, “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”,
“I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says, “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”
So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well,” so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says “Let’s start by talking about what you
both have in common.”
The husband says, “Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick.”
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
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Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
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The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
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I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
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You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
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Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
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The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
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Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
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Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
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Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
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In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
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If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
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I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
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If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
