Tag: head

Most Romantic First Line, But least Romantic Second Line

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses …

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Happy New Year!

This year for New Year’s Eve, I decided to go to Shibuya, Tokyo. I went to a dance club called Womb. On the way to club Womb I passed a couple other clubs and there were lines out the door. This club seemed as though it was more low key as there was a door …

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Penis Research

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French …

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Scary Halloween Story

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween-night, when behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to …

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Lil’ ole lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by …

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Cajun Math

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” The Cajun says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks “Ave you …

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Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course child. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll …

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You Finish?

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled …

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Cats and Dogs

How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill …

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Untrained Personnel Developing Information System

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to provide a basic knowledge of what types of problems an untrained user may face with trying to develop an information system. Also included within this document is information about different case tools and how these case tools can aid in reducing cycle time and increase quality. [Content] …

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After almost 60 years of marriage…

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much …

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Women!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were …

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All Catholic Girls Go To Heaven

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, “Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one …

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Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex …

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Is America at War?

As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in …

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Just Like In The Movies?

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. ‘What are you so happy about?’ asks the barman. ‘Well, I’ll tell you,’ replies the ugly man. ‘You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the …

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Bumper Bowling

Today I played bumper bowling against a 4 year old kid. The 1st game I got lucky by getting a strike and I ended up beating him 100 to 86. The second game was more close of 99 to 87. The 3rd game however, I was behind the whole game. I could not hit that …

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Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know…

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!) …

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Ralph the Chicken

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,‚Äö√Ñ√¥ you died in your sleep, Ralph. ‚Äö√ѬÆRalph was stunned. I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back! St. …

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Howzit Brahdah

Brahdah‚ came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Brahdah.’ Brahdah was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. …

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Blonde Joke in a Bar

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky …

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Money

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. SON : “Daddy, may I ask you a question?” DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?” SON : “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?” DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do …

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Sumbitch

A filthy rich Floridian man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters …

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Dog Food Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for our dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog…….. Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t …

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Finish?

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After …

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Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ”Observation”. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.” After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His …

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Thailand Crocodile Show

Today I went over to the Pattaya crocodile farm and watched a crocodile show. The only thing I can say is, “Holy Crap!” This guy climbed into a pit with a bunch of crocodiles. He then began to do things like open their mouths and stick his hand in it. Then he tapped their teeth …

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The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the …

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How to Shower

How to shower like a woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do …

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Be Careful When You Have a Fast Car, it Could Hurt

A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, “What kind of car ya got there sonny?” The man …

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Short Harley Davidson Jokes

Have you heard about the new Harley-Davidson beer? You put it in your fridge and it leaks overnight. Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower. Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets? Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her …

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Brokeback Mountain?

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.” The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and asks, “Doc, what can I do?” The doctor replies, …

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Cowboys Don’t Like to be Bested

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales began. The first said, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men …

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Where is your Underwear

The Englishman”s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren”t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don”t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The …

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Few Short Stories of Stupid Events

Recently, when I went to McDonald”s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don”t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don”t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was …

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Survivor Southern Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled “Survivor: Southern Style.” The contestants will start in Alabama; travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina.‚Äö From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They …

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Stupid Statistics

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that”s more like it!) …

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Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up …

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Difference Between Men and Women Showering

How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note …

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Air Traffic Humor

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o”clock, 6 miles!” Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!” 2.) One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back …

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Punishment For US soldiers in Iraq for Abuse

It is going to be interesting to see what kind of punishment the soldiers in Iraq will get. The interesting thing won’t be the example the military is going to make out of them, but instead because they are enlisted soldiers, will they get imprisonment? This is interesting because we know the only thing US …

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2004 NFL Pro Bowl – 25 years in Hawaii

At the start of the game the NFC had the ball first and didn”t do anything with it. The very first play for the AFC they threw a touch down pass. Then the NFC got the ball back and then the AFC blocked a punt for an AFC touchdown. At the end of the 3rd …

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