Tag: USD

Retirement Info

Here’s a little retirement info for you: If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of …

Continue reading

Bubba and the Psychiatrist

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. ‘I’ve got problems Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’ ‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid …

Continue reading

Hot date in Alabama

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: “I got a hot date ! tonight , an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?” The pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.” “TACKS!” the shocked redneck says. …

Continue reading

Hot Date in Tennessee

A young Tennessee man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: ‘I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?’ The pharmacist responds: ‘A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.’ ‘TACKS!’ the shocked redneck says. ‘Gawd a’mighty, …

Continue reading

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu… + Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why …

Continue reading

$20.00

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to …

Continue reading

Why We Broke Up

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. …

Continue reading

Be Careful When You Have a Fast Car, it Could Hurt

A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, “What kind of car ya got there sonny?” The man …

Continue reading

In The Closet

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman”s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.’, …

Continue reading

The $1000 Bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the …

Continue reading

Management 101

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I’ll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you….but the girl said no. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money …

Continue reading

Short Harley Davidson Jokes

Have you heard about the new Harley-Davidson beer? You put it in your fridge and it leaks overnight. Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower. Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets? Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her …

Continue reading

500 dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, “I want to have sex with you right now! I’ll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and …

Continue reading

Plastic Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills …

Continue reading

Rectum Stretcher

While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”To which …

Continue reading

New Tax Law

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the …

Continue reading

Bad Day at Work

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she …

Continue reading

3 Certainties

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 60s or early 70s. “Can I help you?” she asked. “I want to see Natalie’ the man replied. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” said the madam. “No. …

Continue reading

Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up …

Continue reading

Quickies!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn”t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I”m not sure, What was her maiden name?———————————————————————-A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The …

Continue reading

Signs You’ve Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can”t smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song …

Continue reading

Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I”d like to ride in that airplane.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.” One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and …

Continue reading

Apple releases the G5 iMac

Apple has really done it this time by releasing the new iMac with the G5 processor. This computer packs a lot of punch all into one little sleek design. I really like this design because it saves a whole lot of space, but the shear power of this computer is mind blowing. From what I’ve …

Continue reading

Atkins Diet is No Answer for Lack of Self Discipline

Everybody from McDonalds to Subway seems to be jumping on the bandwagon for this Atkins diet. Atkins may be a good diet, but for most fatasses out there it will not be the answer to getting slim as opposed to getting off your fat ass and doing a little exercise. A sucessful mathmatical equation to …

Continue reading

My First Bad Experience on eBay

I recently was looking online for a movie I hadn’t seen for about 12 years, ?If looks could kill?”. While searching around on the internet I wasn’t having much luck. Then I decided to check on eBay. There it was, I managed to find the DVD and starwars9111 was the user selling it. So I …

Continue reading