A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!”
Tag: wife
Male Logic
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” …
Horse Races
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I …
Christmas Shopping
A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers. Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very …
Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’ The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the do ctor’s office and gave him the jar, …
Men
A man was granted two wishes by God, he asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa. ********************************************************* There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married …
Hell of a Day
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d …
The Butler
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her …
Sydney Radio Competition
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you’ll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.. The game is …
Cigarettes & Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge …
Horse Races
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.’ The man then said ‘When I …
Fortune
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!’
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’ Priest: ‘Are …
Those Darn Pills
The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late, So she told me, “Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection.” You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her the diet pills!……damn …
Two Buddies
Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself. ‘Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!’ Fred says, ‘Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a TWENTY in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you TWENTY …
Andy Rooney on Sex
1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….I don’t remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature’s way of …
Philosophers’ Views of Wives and Marriage
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.. Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be …
Elderly Couple
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember … Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the …
The Snow Storm
I just got off the phone with a girlfriend, living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has nearly reached waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband …
Just Like Frank
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’ Passenger: ‘Who?’ Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened …
Socially Unacceptable Humor
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.” I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had …
Remove the Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ The old man says without hesitation, …
Emergency Room
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ ‘Me neither, doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
Divorce Court
‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’ ‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
Family Trends
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He …
Photo of a Wife
The old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two sherrif deputy’s standing there. “Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked. “Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.” “Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned. The old man pulled a …
My Wife is Dead
A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
Cost of Living
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
Turned to Religion
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!