The Kumachan – Page 276 – Celebration of free speech

Red Skeleton’s Tips for a Happy Marriage

Dave 2004-10-19

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven”t been for a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said,” There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn”t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the Lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember, Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn”t know her first name was Always.

13. I haven”t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don”t like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust.”

Olympic Commentators, OOPS!

Dave 2004-10-18

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging Cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”

This is a story about a couple, totally devoted to each other, who had been happily married for years. The only wee problem in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise wakes his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was a perfectly natural occurrence. “She asked him to see a doctor, saying she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out, but he only laughed. The years went by, and he continued to rip them out every morning.

Then one Thanksgiving morning, as the long-suffering wife was preparing the turkey for dinner while her dearly beloved was upstairs still sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the ‘spare parts’ and a naughty little thought came to her….She took the bowl of parts and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Then she quietly tiptoed down to the kitchen to wait for the fun to begin.

A short while later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting….which was immediately followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got back at him pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened….

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Radio Station Took Suggestion

Dave 2004-10-05

A person I work with showed me a website with photos of a person for a “Thong of the Day” and a “Babe of the Day.” Although this website had a great idea I have never listened to this radio station before. I do however listen to another radio station and they had a link to some local models in the area. So I shot them an e-mail with the suggestion they should put a “Babe of the Day” on their site with photos of their local girls instead of arbitrarily choosing a photo off the internet like the other radio station. Not long after I e-mailed them with my suggestion they posted exactly what I suggested on their website. They do have contests going on for people who make a good suggestion of how to make their website better the person who makes the suggestion can get a t-shirt, bumper sticker, or some other promotional item. Needless to say I didn’t get anything, not even an e-mail back acknowledging my idea. Fags!

Unlocking Career Success: The Degree Dilemma and Beyond

Dave 2004-09-30

After high school, the majority of students have their sights set on attending college to further their education. But have you ever wondered what an associate’s degree truly offers? This question piqued my curiosity, leading me to seek insights from seasoned business professionals who had already obtained their degrees. I wanted to understand the real impact of an associate’s degree.

To my surprise, the common response I received was that an associate’s degree alone didn’t make a significant difference. The professionals emphasized that it was the perfect blend of a degree, work experience, and unwavering determination that secured them job opportunities. In fact, some even went as far as to say that their degree didn’t play a pivotal role in landing a job; they attributed their success to personal connections.

Nevertheless, they did acknowledge that having a specialized degree relevant to their desired career field could enhance their job prospects. People stressed that while an associate’s degree had limited influence, pairing it with a bachelor’s degree proved to be more beneficial. One interviewee, who had worked in the human resources department, shed light on the hiring process. He underscored the importance of crafting a captivating resume that would catch the employer’s eye.

According to his perspective, an associate’s degree might be equivalent to, let’s say, 5 points, while a bachelor’s degree carried another 5 points. Work experience, on the other hand, was assigned 10 points, and additional certifications added another 5 points. Employers, he explained, evaluated resumes based on these criteria to determine the best fit for their company’s needs.

In conclusion, does a degree alone hold value? Well, to some extent, yes. However, becoming the ideal candidate for a job requires a combination of factors, including education, experience, and a diverse skill set. So, while an associate’s degree can open doors, it’s the culmination of these elements that truly sets you apart in the competitive job market.

Despite the Score the Washington Redskins Beat the Dallas Cowboys

Dave 2004-09-28

I don”t care what that final score was, the Washington Redskins beat the Dallas Cowboys. I”ll do a little recap for you. The first quarter (to set up Dallas”s first touchdown) Washington was called for a pass interference which was clearly offensive pass interference on Dallas. The Dallas receiver pushed the Washington cornerback down. That”s offensive pass interference! In the second quarter Joe Gibbs made a couple bad play calls when Washington had a 1st and goal on the 1 yard line. They ended up only scoring a field goal. So the score should have been 3 – 0 Washington at half time. Then Dallas scored 2 touchdowns in the 3rd quarter and Washington only scored 1. That put the game at 14 – 10 at the end of 3 quarters. Finally in the 4th quarter with about 8:30 seconds left on the clock Mark Brunell passed to Rod Gardner where he was clearly interfered with as the Cowboy cornerback held his jersey and once again a bad officiating call or shall I say a no call in this case. Regardless of that Washington scored a touchdown with about 4 minutes on the clock, followed by the 2 point conversion putting the Redskins 18 -14 over the cowboys. This game had some bad officating calls and even though the offical score was 21 – 18 cowboys lead. Washington got the ball back with 29 seconds on the clock and the final pass to Rod Gardner put the Redskins at the 34 yard line. Rod Garner, however could not get out of bounds when he caught the ball with 4 seconds on the clock when the time expired.’, ‘Washington looked better than they have in the past during this game. It took Mark Brunell a little time to get in a rythm, but once he did Washington was able to move the ball, as they showed in the final seconds of the game. It is truely sad to see bad officiating be the reason for the Cowboys victory.

Is Reverse Racism Culturally Accepted?

Dave 2004-09-27

The subject of the “race card” has been way over played time and time again. Its probably because everybody is sick of hearing about how 20 year old punk kids were repressed for so many years simply because they were black. As well all know, that’s bullshit! That is just an angle that people know they can take and get away with it because it is such a contraversial topic. I say, “Get over it!” That, however is not the topic I came to talk with you about. The topic I wanted to discuss is reverse racism. What I mean when I say reverse racism is everything that happens and people get away with when there is no other race on the face of this planet who could get away with it. For example: Black Entertainment Television. For some unknown reason B.E.T is culturally accepted, however if there was a channel called Latino Entertaiment Television or even White Entertainment Television or any other race you want to throw in there, would be frowned upon and banned from any broadcast station for being racist.’, ‘So why do you think it is accepted to have a channel called B.E.T. aired on television when this is simply another form of racism? Is it because American television is trying to be too polically correct? For whatever the reason may be, I say that no form of racism whether it be reverse racism or not, should not be tolerated period.

Is Your Glass Half Full or Half Empty?

Dave 2004-09-22

Have you ever heard somebody say, “Is your glass half full or half empty?” I was in Okinawa in 2000, when I went to Airman Leadership School. It was a management school for the United States Air Force. The school seemed like a bunch of propaganda to “re-blue” you for the Air Force. In other words, it’s a bunch of bullshit that they feed you to try to make you take more pride in your job. Anyway, during the beginning of going to ALS there were some special guests they had to speak to our class. We had this one Chief Master Sergeant who came in and asked us the question “Is your glass half full or half empty?” At first I was confused by this question because I always had an interest in science. So when he asked about the glass sitting on a table in front of the class being half full or half empty, I thought to myself that the glass was completely full. Half was full of air and half with water. As the speaker went on with his speech, I think the point he was trying to make was are you a positive person or are you a negative person.

See, it’s assholes like this that just piss me off. These are the type of people that if they have something on their mind, they need to just come out and ask it. I can’t stand trying to interpret what the hell somebody is saying because they are trying to put it in a vague way. I’ve ran into quite a few people who think it is more intelligent to try to say things so subtle or vague way that you don’t know what the hell they are thinking. The point I’m trying to get at is this; if you have something to say, don’t beat around the bush, just come out and ask it. Dancing around about what you are trying to ask is not an effective form of communication and therefore less intelligent. Because if the receiver doesn’t know what the hell you are getting at, then obviously the message was not received correctly.

Redskins Downed by the Giants

Dave 2004-09-21

On Sunday the Washington Redskins were defeated by the New York Giants 20 – 14. During this game Mark Brunell left the game with a pulled muscle and throwing 1 interception. Then the infamous Patrick Ramsey stepped into the game and threw 3 more interceptions. All in all the Redskins had 7 turnovers. That is a great lesson of how not to win games. If you want to win some games you”ve got to keep the turnovers to a minimun as well as the penalties. It also helps to convert on 3rd downs. It was a win for the Giants and if the Redskins want to have a good season they really need to solve their quarterback problem.

Redskins Down the Buccaneers

Dave 2004-09-12

The Washington Redskins downed the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 16 to 10 in season opener. During this game Clinton Portis rushed for 148 yards to include a 64 yard touchdown on his first carry. Tampa Bay scored their only touchdown off a fumble from a sloppy handoff between Mark Brunell and Clinton Portis. All in all it was a victory for the Redskins so we”ll see what they can do next week against the Giants.

Insomnia Problem Solved

Dave 2004-09-12

I figured out how to solve the problem of not being able to sleep. I”ve learned that if I drink a glass of milk it makes me tired so I have an easier time falling asleep. That means no more sleeping pills. I guess dairy products help make you relax. Either way, problem solved.

Apple releases the G5 iMac

Dave 2004-09-01

Apple has really done it this time by releasing the new iMac with the G5 processor. This computer packs a lot of punch all into one little sleek design. I really like this design because it saves a whole lot of space, but the shear power of this computer is mind blowing. From what I’ve seen with the G5 iMac the prices look great as well, so not only will it save space in your home it will save space in your pocketbook too. For the 17″ display with a 1.6GHz processor it runs $1,299.00. For the 17″ display with a 1.8GHz processor it runs $1,499.00. Finally for the big 20″ display with a 1.8GHz processor it runs $1,899.00.’, ‘Before I got my first G4 iMac I never really knew much about Apple computers except their one button mouse really sucked. Now since I have my iMac I love it. It doesn’t matter what you are doing whether it be inputting photos, e-mailing friends, surfing the internet, creating web graphics, or even creating your own DVD?s, this computer runs smooth and is so stable. Not once have I ever had to troubleshoot a problem with it. In case you are concerned about it not being able to connect to a wireless router of a different manufacturer I currently have my iMac connected to my Linksys wireless router and it not only runs smooth, but at speeds of 54Meg. The elegance and design of the Apple iMac is just startling of how they make it work.

Washington Redskins Down the Miami Dolphins

Dave 2004-08-22

The Washington Redskins beat the Miami Dolphins 17 to 0 to put Washington 2 -1 in the preseason. During this game Mark Brunell passed completed 7 of 9 passes for 79 yards. While the Redskins running game was lead by Clinton Portis who had 37 yards and Rock Cartwright who finished with 33 yards. All in all the Redskins racked up 181 yards on the ground which meant they didn”t need to utilize their passing game as much against the Dolphins. The Redskins held the Dolphins to a total of 25 yards rushing which goes to show you how much Ricky Williams will be missed in Miami.

Bear guzzles Rainier Beer and Passes Out

Dave 2004-08-18

This is some real news here. I found this article on CNN today. They hold all rights and copyrights to the material they have written, but this story is one that you have to read. It is exactly quoted off CNN as follows:

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 Posted: 9:12 PM EDT (0112 GMT)

SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) — A black bear was found passed out at a campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday’, ‘”We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying around,” said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles (129 km) northeast of Seattle.

The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into campers” coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans, swilled down the suds.

It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and stuck with it for his drinking binge.

Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said Broxson.

They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.

Redskins Downed by the Pathers

Dave 2004-08-16

The Washington Redskins lost to the Carolina Panthers 23 to 20 in overtime. The Redskins started Patrick Ramsey, which I believe I said he needs to be the 3rd string quarterback as he proved once again as he only completed 4 of 11 passes for 62 yards and 1 interception. Mark Brunell took over for Ramsey and he finished the game completing 6 of 15 passes for 119 yards. I didn”t get to watch the game, but I assume by the score and the fact they went into overtime that it was a close game. Perhaps Washington will get something worked out with their quarterback problem.

Insomniac?

Dave 2004-08-14

What do you do when you can’t sleep? I have managed to go through a big bottle of sleeping pills that I’ve been taking for the last couple months. It seems I can’t get on a regular sleeping schedule and I usually end up staying awake all night. Then as the sun comes up I usually take a couple sleeping pills and then I may sleep for 6 or 7 hours and I’m awake until the next day. It seems to be a vicious cycle of fighting for every last minute of sleep. I’m waiting for the day my body decides to shut down and tell me that I need some sleep. I think the thing I don’t like the most of not sleeping is that I’m not doing anything productive. It seems that I just don’t have the ambition or drive to do anything that I know I need to get done. I’ve tried just staying awake to see how long I will go, but that usually lasts for a couple days then I will crash and sleep for like 14 hours. Anyway I guess there is no real point I was trying to make, I was just trying to figure out what the heck I should do.

Washington Redskins Down the Denver Broncos 20 to 17 in Preseason Opener

Dave 2004-08-10

Yet it is still preseason it was nice watching Joe Gibbs and the Washington Redskins win by a field goal kicked by Ola Kimrin in the final seconds of the game. One key factor of this game is that the Washington Redskins lost veteran player Jon Jansen in the first quarter with a rupturing his Achilles’ tendon. Some of the things I noticed throughout this game are that the run and shoot offense will work effectively against the Redskins. They will need to step up big to shut down the run and shoot offense. Denver did a nice job of rolling out with receivers open. They had that working for them all night. Another huge factor in this game was penalties. There were enough penalties in this game to last both teams the rest of the preseason. Also after the performance tonight I would say Tim Hasselbeck should be starting and Patrick Ramsey should be the 3rd string quarterback. Sean Taylor had a big night with 2 interceptions, one for a touchdown. All in all I would say this game had many mistakes, but it definitely was a good way to open the preseason, especially with John Elway, Barry Sanders, Carl Eller, and Bob Brown being inducted into the Hall of Fame. Carl Eller and Bob Brown were long before I started watching football, but watching Carl Eller’s speech sure seemed like he had a second agenda other than just being inducted into the Hall of Fame. Hopefully we will see more progression throughout the rest of the preseason to build confidence in the Washington Redskins for the season opener.

Updated: University of Hawaii’s Best Sport

Dave 2004-08-07

It seems that this particular game I watched on T.V. was an old telecast from last year.

Being that I come from the midwest I’m not a fan of the Western Athletic Conference WAC sports. Last year I started watching the University of Hawaii Women’s volleyball. They did pretty good last year. Tonight was the first night for me of the 2004 season to watch them play again. They swept San Jose State Spartans 3 games to none. I think the Wahine women’s volleyball team will do pretty well this year. They have 7 returning seniors who have been playing with each other for the past 4 years and they are friends both on an off the court. I look forward to watching them play throughout this season. I’ll keep you posted on how well they do.

Unexplained Experience

Dave 2004-08-01

This weekend I had an unexpainable experience. I went into my bathroom to wash my hands. When I turned around to wipe my hands off with a towel I noticed there were about 7 drops of blood running down the wall at about 5 foot high off the floor. I looked around to see if there were any other drops of blood, but there were none. I thought maybe it might have been grease or something that might have been splattered on the wall from the previous day, but when I went to wipe it off the wall, it was still wet and quickly wiped away. That rules out my dog being able to do it. There was nobody else who could have done it. So I thought maybe a gecko got it’s tail chopped off, but there was nothing. Plus that was too much blood for a little gecko. I don’t want to say it was supernatural, but how do you explain something like that? I once had a similar experience in a different place I lived. I was sitting at my computer when I had something that felt like 3 cold fingers move across the back of my neck. When I turned around there was nothing there. At first I thought it might have been the wind, but there were no fans on and my windows were closed.

Being in Hawaii these are the first time in my life ever having strange experiences like this. What do they mean? How do you explain them? I tried telling other people, but they just look at you like you are crazy or on drugs.

Republican / Democrat, What is the Difference?

Dave 2004-07-26

With the voting season coming I would like to share a few thoughts with you. First off I would like to say that I don’t pressure anybody into voting. The reason behind this is because it is a right and who am I to tell you what rights you should concern as your highest priority. For example: bearing arms is a right, but I don’t practice that. So is the right to burn the flag in protest. I don’t practice that one either. So the point being that voting is a right and it is up to you to decide if you are going to do it or not. With that being said, I hear a lot of people say they don’t know the major differences between the republican and democratic parties. So I thought I would take the opportunity to break it down into the simplest form and give you a short description and my thoughts behind the different parties. Just so you know, I am no expert nor do I claim to be. This web site gives me the opportunity to let my voice be heard, so I am taking the opportunity to do just that. Democratic Party is supposed to be “for the people”, whereas the Republican Party is supposed to be “for the business.” You may ask, “why do we care about the business” That is a good question and I’ll break it down to you like this:

Let’s say you are a democrat and the president is going to give you 50,000 dollars to invest in healthcare. Me working in communications don’t know much about healthcare. So I would probably take that money and put it in the bank. Then the first time I had to go to the doctor I would get a medical bill adding up to a great sum of money. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the 50,000 dollars doesn’t really go a long way when it comes to healthcare. Another possibility would be to go out and get a good healthcare policy. Being that I currently have a job, so I don’t have the time to research every single healthcare plan out there I would probably end up getting some half-assed healthcare plan that would not match what I put into a healthcare plan. Thus being that I’m putting more into it than I am getting out of it and it would end up being a big loss.

Now let’s say you’re a republican and the president is going to give each company 50,000 per employee to invest in healthcare. Companies have their own staff of personnel who are out there looking for the best healthcare plans as their fulltime job. Therefore I don’t have to do it. Now since I’m not the one investing in the healthcare I want to make sure I’m going to get hired by a good company with a good healthcare plan. So first things first, I need to stand out amongst the other applicants. I’m going to get an education! With this education I’m more apt to get hired by the good company with the good healthcare plan so I can work my communications job and be happy go lucky.

Onto my personal opinion, to me it seems to make more sense to vote republican. “Why, that seems like a round about way of doing business,” you may ask. This is true it does seem like a round about way of doing business, however it also is investing in your country’s future. I’ll demonstrate how it is investing in your country’s future by looking at it from both the democratic point of view and the republican point of view I demonstrated earlier.

Democratic point of view Give everybody 50,000 dollars and let them go out and invest it on their own. This is much like giving a kid money and saying, “Don’t spend that all on candy.” You know exactly what that kid is going to do. He’s going to go blow 75 cents of every dollar on candy then not have any money left over to pay for the dentist from his rotting teeth.

Republican point of view “Give the company 50,000 dollars to invest in healthcare for their employees.” Now I want to make sure a good company is hiring me, I need a good education to do so. I take my high school diploma and use it to get into college. I get my college degree and use it to get hired by a good company. How do you know what the good company is? You use that education you just received and apply it by doing a little research. Then when the good company hires you, you can work your job and have good healthcare.

Now instead of a country having a bunch of people with rotting teeth and no way to pay for the dental bill. You now have a country with a higher percentage of people with an education, thus making smarter decisions and have some form of healthcare to boot. I know, I know, there are a lot of other factors to go in this small scenario, but I just wanted to give a small rundown of my thoughts and opinions between the two major parties.

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