Explicit Language Warning.
Ice Cream Parlor
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
Follow the Doctor’s Advice
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
Midwest Crop Circles
While flying over the midwestern United States I happened to look down and see what looked like farm circles. Previously the only place I have seen things like these was in desert areas. This was due to having water sprayers that traveled in a circle pattern around and kept watering the crops. I am a little curious as to why these patterns are in the midwest.
State of the Art Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
Pirate Ship in San Diego
At the San Diego Maritime Museum you will find an old style ship that looks much like a pirate ship. This was used in the “Pirate’s of the Caribbean” films and is certainly something to check out. For their time these were considered to be great vessels, but you can see it dwarfed by a present day cruise ship.
Trumpkin Pie
Saw this t-shirt at a store at the Reagan International airport and thought it was pretty funny.
North Carolina Research Triangle
At the Raleigh-Durham airport in North Carolina there is a sign for the Research Triangle Region.
Why Are You Getting Married?
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
“So I hear you’re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Nah, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
“Because she can still drive!”
San Diego Fishing Pots
For a while now I have passed by the San Diego waterfront and I saw these fishing pots out on the dock. I kept thinking to myself that it would make a great photograph, however it wasn’t until now that I finally got around to stopping and taking a photo. It kind of reminds me of San Diego’s version of the television show “The Deadliest Catch” how they will get shots of the crab pots on the shores of Dutch Harbor, Alaska.
Kangaroo Porn
Don’t you hate it when you are at the zoo and animals start humping? I don’t know what kind of freaky stuff kangaroos are into, but these kangaroos are going at it with a lookie-loo watching.
Hospital Regulations
| Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’ |
Cruise Ships in the Port of San Diego
I was driving by the waterfront in San Diego and I noticed a couple cruise ships docked. So I did the totally unsafe thing to do and snapped some photos of the Disney Wonder and the Grand Princess.
What’s the Name of That Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
Japanese Novelty Store
Whenever I go shopping for Asian food I like to stop by a Japanese novelty store to see what new items they have are. Some of them are pretty neat. These were the latest items I saw.
Write it Down
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says “Where’s my toast?”
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money
from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
“thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m
doing community service this week.” The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “thank
you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m
doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: “Both politicians and diapers need to be
changed often and for the same reason.”
The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North DAKOTA. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Technology Will be the Death of Us
Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I’ve a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text. I can’t live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently. I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Richard
NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE:
George, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, George. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Thursday’s Weather Forecast
Mother Nature is selling a heat wave…for one day only.
Nellis Air Force Base
Nellis Air Force Base, Nevada signs.
Numi Tea
I’m not much of a tea drinker, but a coworker recommended it so I thought I would expand my horizons. My first impressions is that It was pleasant, peaceful and didn’t have a bad taste or odor and it kind of made me feel warm and cozy. I wasn’t quite sure how long I should leave the tea bag in the cup, but I ended leaving it in the whole time I drank the cup down. This might be a pleasant addition to my daily or weekly ritual.