The Golf Nut

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

A Bridge Too Far

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports require reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge…?”

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boyfriend goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’

The boy turns, and whispers back,

‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!’

Father

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them…They couldn’t help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, “Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ She replied, ‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.

Hell of a Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say.
“I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man.. and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?”

Holland Michigan

 

Traveled over to Holland, Michigan today and took some photos of the windmill and the interesting things there, here are my photos of that experience. Many people may not know it, but one of the working windmills was taken apart from Holland in the Netherlands and shipped to Holland, Michigan in the United States where it was put back together stone by stone. This was done in an agreement between the United States and the Netherlands. In turn for the agreement the United States must permit people to visit and put on tours to show how the windmills were used and share a little piece of culture from Holland. Every spring there is a tulip festival celebrated there.

Homeland Security: Grocery Store

There was a bit of confusion at the Local Jay C grocery store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he’s with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It’s just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost

Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You’re getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 6 more months

Signed, Abby

Thai Food – Neung Kapow

thekumachan_neung_kapow_thai_food-1thekumachan_neung_kapow_thai_food-2

My favorite Thai food is a dish called, “Neung Kapow.” This is a very common dish that can be found all throughout Thailand. The dish is made with beef, basil, oyster sauce, fish sauce, chili peppers and it is put on top of rice. The first place I ever had this dish was in Nakhon Ratchasima (Korat), Thailand in 2000. Some places I’ve seen where they call it “Pad Kapow,” but usually they will throw a cooked egg on top of it. I don’t like that. I have also seen where, depending on the location, they will throw chopped up green beans or onions in it. No matter where it is being made each area has it own unique twist to it, but the it is relatively the same dish. I found a Thai restaurant in Japan that makes this dish and it tastes very good. Sometimes in Japan you need to be careful because they will take a Thai dish and change it to the tastes of Japan so it is kind of a fusion dish. I don’t like that at all. Keep Thai food, Thai food. At the location in Japan I would buy oyster sauce and order the dish. Here are a couple photos of what the food looks like and this is a good brand of the oyster sauce.

Camp Zama, Japan – Building 101 Ducks


Every year on Camp Zama, Japan in building 101 there is a female duck who temporarily makes a Japanese garden her home while she lays her eggs and raises her babies. It is actually really smart because the Japanese garden is protected on 4 sides, so the only predators that the duck needs to be concerned with are flying overhead. People who work in this building enjoy stopping by to watch the mother with her babies and seeing how they grow. Some people will even open a window and leave a snack for the ducks. It is always enjoyable and something to look forward to each year.

Drunk Canadian

a person wearing a costume
A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you Sir?”

“Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr”, the Newfie replies.

The Mountie asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

“It wasss on the end of thisshh key”, the Newfie replies.

About that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man’s willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out….”Holy shit! Me girlfriend’s gone, too!

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: ‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

Smart Ass

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some old person is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass. Then in a loud voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. Only two left.”

Hell Explained by a Chemistry Student on an Exam

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

This student received an A+

Sipping Vodka

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body.” He did not say,”Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Prelude du Fornication

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she’s finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up as a girl”.

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

Two Irish Women

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says,
‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland .’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end.
I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I!
Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!
Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?….What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived, and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered…is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom, and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached, and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now….what is the moral to this story?

The moral is….If you don’t let a woman have her own way….Things are going to get ugly.

Mounted Policeman

This is nothing like the relationship between a man and his horse!

Sharpie Pens

There are few things more dangerous than a perverted electrician with a pen.

Motorcycle Gas Tank

The Butler

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. “Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, Jervis silently obeyed. “Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, “Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!”

Rectum Stretcher

While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’

To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’

‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’

I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.

The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’

‘And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ‘ he asked.

‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’

Poop Trucks Are Funny

Sydney Radio Competition

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you’ll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ‘yes’, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions..

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter in this particular case.

Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

DJ: ‘Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?’

Contestant: (laughing) ‘Yes, I have.’

DJ: ‘Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.’

Contestant: ‘Brian.’

DJ: ‘ Brian, are you married or what?’

Brian: (laughing nervously) ‘Yes, I am married.’

DJ: ‘Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.’

Brian: ‘Sara.’

DJ: ‘Is Sara at work, Brian?’

Brian: ‘She is gonna kill me.’

DJ: ‘Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?’

Brian: (laughing) ‘Yes, she’s at work.’

DJ: ‘Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?’

Brian: ‘About 8 o’clock this morning.’

DJ: ‘Atta boy, Brian.’

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) ‘Well…’

DJ: ‘Question #2 – How long did it last?’

Brian: ‘About 10 minutes.’

DJ: ‘Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.’

Brian: ‘Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.’

DJ: ‘Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) ‘I, ummm, I, well…’

DJ: ‘This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?’

Brian: ‘Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks…’

DJ: ‘Uh huh…’

Brian: ‘…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.’

DJ: ‘Atta boy, Brian.’

Brian: ‘On the kitchen table.’

DJ: ‘Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up.

You listen to this.’

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: ‘Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?’ (Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: ‘Kinkos.’
;
DJ: ‘Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?’

Clerk: ‘This is she.’

DJ: ‘Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.’

Sarah: (laughing) ‘A couple of hours?’

DJ: ‘Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?’

Sarah: ‘No.’

DJ: ‘Good!’

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) ‘Brian, what the hell are you up to?’

Brian: (laughing) ‘Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.’

DJ: ‘Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara h: (laughing) ‘Yes.’

DJ: ‘Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?’

Sarah: ‘Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.’

DJ: ‘What time?’

Sarah: ‘Around 8 this morning.’

DJ: ‘Very good. Next question.. How long did it last?’

Sarah: ’12, 15 minutes maybe.’

DJ: ‘Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?’

Sarah: (laughing) ‘Yes.’

DJ: ‘Where did you have it?’

Sarah: ‘OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?’

Brian: ‘Just tell him, honey.’

DJ: ‘What is bothering you so much, Sarah?’

Sarah: ‘Well…’

DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?

Sarah: ‘Up the arse…..’

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

2012 Social Security Stimulus Package

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.

Cigarettes & Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she…

Understanding Women

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Women’s Revenge

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’