1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning.” He said, “No, just taking a shit”.
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs.” She looked at me and said, “You did this to me you bastard!” I casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said, “It’ll be too painful.”
4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why, she said, “Because I am trying to examine you.”
5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”