A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asked, “Are you comfortable?”
The man replied, “I make a good living.”
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me! Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea. My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time, I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The doctor called Mrs. Cohen and said, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest.
The man asked, “Doc, how do I stand?”
The doctor said, “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was standing in front of a judge.
The judge said, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk replied, “Okay, let’s get started.”
A man called his mother in Florida and asked, “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said his mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son asked, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
His mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”
A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner: take it or leave it.
A Jewish boy came home from school and told his mother he had a part in the play.
She asked, “What part is it?”
The boy said, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
His mother scowled and said, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”