Month: February 2014
What’s With All The Feathers?
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
“Feathers show number of sexual partners,” the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, “Him? One woman, one feather. Him?” pointing to a second, older man, “Three women, three feathers.”
The reporter looked at the Chief’s headdress. “But you have so many feathers!”
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. “Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall.”
Horrified, the female reporter said, “You ought to be hung!”
The Chief said, “Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.”
The offended reporter said, “You don’t have to be hostile!”
The Chief replied, “Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!”
The reporter cried, “Oh, dear!”
“No deer”, said the Chief. “Ass too high, run too fast!”
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Vive la France
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.
The Englishman answers with humor: No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver… on the other side???
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Walking on the Grass
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.” “Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
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Presidents Day
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,What day is tomorrow?”
Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!” .
She’s smart, so I asked her “What does Presidents Day mean?”
I was waiting for something about Barack Obama, George W. Bush or Bill Clinton, etc. She replied, “Presidents Day is when the
President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of bull shit.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
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Snow on the Mountains in Japan
Driving on 246 highway toward Atsugi City in Japan you can see a light dusting of snow on the mountains.
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The Man Who Gave up Sex for Golf
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you, “the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”