Observations

  • There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit’s.
  • The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
  • I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me there.
  • I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
  • I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.
  • The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  • If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s……………..
  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
  • Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
  • No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.
  • Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
  • I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
  • If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!
  • Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
  • Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
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