Chelsea Clinton
Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.
She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him.
He told her there were only three things he feared:
1) Osama
2) Obama
And
3) Yo Mama!
What is a 710?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked “is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.”
Investment Tips for 2008
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang
A Rotten Old Thing
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe’s boat sank on the same day that John’s wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said: “I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible.”
Joe replied; ” Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn’t so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle!”
The old lady fainted.
And so the Story Goes!
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out With God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ”
Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me….”
God commented: “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, ” Ah, yes.”
“Well, ” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
“Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Turkey
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy look down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”
The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you. If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”
The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!!
Hot Date in Tennessee
A young Tennessee man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist:
‘I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?’
The pharmacist responds: ‘A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.’
‘TACKS!’ the shocked redneck says. ‘Gawd a’mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves?
iPod Touch
Today I received my brand new iPod touch. This is the 1st Apple iPod I actually bought. This version of the iPod touch is the 16GB model. It is pretty cool. I’m still learning and playing with the settings and syncing, but it definitely won’t take me long to figure everything out. The strange thing about this purchase was that I bought it on January 15th, 2008 and this product was shipped on the following path, in descending order.
Jan 21, 2008 4:50 PM Delivered
9:44 AM On FedEx vehicle for delivery HONOLULU, HI
9:40 AM At local FedEx facility HONOLULU, HI
Jan 19, 2008 8:18 PM At dest sort facility HONOLULU, HI
5:47 PM Departed FedEx location OAKLAND, CA
3:27 AM Arrived at FedEx location OAKLAND, CA
2:10 AM Departed FedEx location LOS ANGELES, CA
Jan 18, 2008 4:23 PM Departed FedEx location INDIANAPOLIS, IN
2:50 AM In transit INDIANAPOLIS, IN
7:47 AM Int’l shipment release INDIANAPOLIS, IN
1:28 AM Arrived at FedEx location INDIANAPOLIS, IN
Jan 17, 2008 2:32 PM Departed FedEx location ANCHORAGE, AK
12:33 PM Arrived at FedEx location ANCHORAGE, AK
Jan 18, 2008 3:01 AM Package data transmitted to FedEx
Jan 17, 2008 9:24 PM In transit SHANGHAI CN
11:27 AM Left origin KUNSHAN CN
11:14 AM Picked up KUNSHAN CN
Now talk about taking quite a journey just to get here. It was well worth the wait. This product is totally cool. Got to run for now, I have the urge to play with it some more.
Bumper Bowling
Today I played bumper bowling against a 4 year old kid. The 1st game I got lucky by getting a strike and I ended up beating him 100 to 86. The second game was more close of 99 to 87. The 3rd game however, I was behind the whole game. I could not hit that head pin to save my life. It wasn’t until the 10th frame when I was down 80 to 94. I needed a strike or spare to catch up with this kid. I ended up bowling and getting 8 pins. Then my second ball I picked up the spare. Now all I had to do was get 5 pins to win. I ended up getting only 4 pins for the tie. It’s pretty sad when you have to have a come from behind spare to catch up with a 4 year old kid at bumper bowling.
Don’t worry though, I’m used to doing terrible at bowling. My worst game to date was a whopping 32. The best game I’ve ever had in my life was a 184. I think that was a once in a lifetime game. Don’t hold your breath to see me on the next bumper bowling circuit, however this 4 year old might be a force to be reckoned with.
Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know…
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death . (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm…)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that . )
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure .
(What about that pig??)
Blonde Logic
Blonde Logic
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooo oooo, can you see Florida?”
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
River Walk
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
At the Doctor’s Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
Blonde on the Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”
Cannibal Restaurant
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?’
The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of s*#t, it takes all morning.”
My Private Part Died Today
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. “Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr. Wallace, “My Private Part died today and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Pri vate Part hanging out his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
“Mr. Wallace,” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”
‚Äö√Ñ√∫But, Nurse Tracy,” replied Mr. Wallace, “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”
“Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
“Well,” he replied, *”Today’s the viewing.”*
First Kiss
It’s your First Kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
AND,—Should you use some tongue? Then you say…’What the heck!’ and Just Go for it!!!
Three Men
Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total”, says the Genie.
The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .”
POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.”
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.”
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, “Fill it with water.”
Great Elephant Story
In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre’s legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Bubba
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer?”
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
“Sure is, Bubba.”
“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that football player sued that university when heGradiated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”
“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin . . ..
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer allthem ugly women I slept with?”
Fishing at Pearl Harbor
Today my boy and I went fishing over by Pearl Harbor. We were there for 5 hours and didn’t officially catch anything. My boy had a fish on the line, but it was his 1st time reeling in a fish and he was reeling too slowly, so the fish got off. I had a bite that had my pole bent over, so I started reeling it in and I got it all the way to shore to see that it was a crab. Luckily when I got the crab in to shore, he let go of the bait. That was good because I really didn’t want to try to entice a crab off my fishing line. Even though we didn’t catch anything, we still had fun and will try again. Like they say, “A bad day fishing is better than a good day in the office.”
College Graduation
I finally graduated college with a Bachelor’s Degree of Science in Software Engineering. It seems as though I was on the 10-year plan to obtain a 4-year degree. I swear the only people who go to school longer than me are doctors. Regardless, I switched between 4 different schools and changed degrees just as many times, but persistence paid off. This degree was definitely not the easiest thing I have ever done, as a matter of fact, it was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. I needed help along the way and definitely am very grateful to everybody who provided assistance. The nice thing is the feeling of relief to finally have completed this accomplishment. The road does not end here though; I will take a break and then further my education. During the break, I will try to apply some of the things I learned and put them to practical use.
Job Question
The boss was looking to hire a new manager, so he interviewed dozens and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, he decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back.
What is the man’s name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first one says, “My answer is, there IS no answer.”
The second one says, “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”
The THIRD one says, “I’m not exactly sure, but it could be either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.” He got the job.
