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Hiking Experience in Kailua
Do you remember the stories that your grandfather probably told you about walking to school everyday, through the snow barefoot, uphill both ways? Well, today I have one of those stories, but it’s 100% true and it just happened to me, today. I thought it would be fun to go hiking with my son today at Moana Wiliwili. We drove to Kailua, Oahu. Anyway, I wasn’t sure if it has been rainy in Kailua so I wore flip-flop shoes. I made some major mistakes when we got there. The 1st mistake I made was that I forgot to bring water. The next major mistake I made was that I forgot the mosquito spray in the car.
We started walking and about ¬Ω mile into the walk we realized that it was really muddy. It was then that my son started complaining about not liking mud and every time we stopped for him to whine about not wanting to walk in the mud, mosquitoes would start biting us so bad that I smacked my leg and killed 5 mosquitoes at once. So for the first 1.8 miles I carried him on my shoulders, uphill, through the mud. When we arrived at the waterfall people were jumping off cliffs into the water, so we took a break to cool down our feet in the cold water.
Before long we decided to start walking back and once again he started complaining about not wanting to get muddy and once again I ended up carrying him on my shoulders. This time we were going downhill, but it was really muddy and slippery and I had a 40lb child on my shoulders. I ended up getting my flip-flops stuck in the mud where I couldn’t get them out, so I ended up walking the next 1.8 miles, through the jungle, down muddy hills, barefoot. We were about ¼ of the way down and I stepped on a metal stake that was buried in the mud. I still kept carrying him on my shoulders, but the pain was pretty severe and I was leaving a blood trail down the muddy path. Before long the mud was so packed into the cut that it burned like hell, but at least the bleeding stopped. We walked a while further and I was able to soak my feet in the cold stream to wash the mud out of the cut on the bottom of my foot. Once we got ½ way down the hill, my son got so heavy on my shoulders that I just couldn’t carry him anymore and I was so thirsty I felt like I was foaming at the mouth with extreme cotton mouth. We worked our way ever so slowly down the path, but my feet were hurting so bad because of walking on rocks, sticks, and through hard walking woods with slippery mud. Once we got to the bottom of the trail we trespassed, on the person who owns a house back in the woods, driveway. You would think that walking barefoot down a driveway would feel better than walking over rocks, sticks, and through the mud, but this driveway felt like coarse sandpaper on my feet. By the time we made it back to the car I was so physically tired and dehydrated that when I drove to the nearest 7-11 to buy a bottle of water, I thought I was going to puke from drinking it so fast. On the drive home I called my Dad and he was laughing so hard that I knew this sounded like one of those stories my grandfather used to tell me.
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Ralph the Chicken
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,‚Äö√Ñ√¥ you died in your sleep, Ralph. ‚Äö√ѬÆRalph was stunned. I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back! St. Peter said, I’m sorry, but there’s only one-way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ‚Äö√ѬÆRalph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here? Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m going to explode! You’re ovulating, explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? Never, said Ralph. Well, just relax and let it happen, says the rooster. It’s no big deal.
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout… ‚Äö√ѬÆDammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting in the bed!
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The Bet…
Two families move from Pakistan to America . When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see — in a year’s time — which family has become more Americanized.
A year later they meet again.
The first man says, “My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds, and I’m on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?”
The second man replies, “*&^%$ you, towelhead”.
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Pet Fish
A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that’s well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man…
“Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“No, sir,” replied the redneck. “I ain’t got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?”
“Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ’em back home.”
“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that.”
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Government Man, I’ll show ya. It really works.”
“OK,” said the warden. “I’ve got to see this!”
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, “Well?”
Well, what?” says the redneck.
The warden says, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
The FISH,” replied the warden.
“What fish?” replied the redneck.
Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.
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Cure for a Cough
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him-he’s afraid to cough!”
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2008 Sugar Bowl Results: Georgia 41 – Hawaii 10
Well, well, Hawaii went to the Sugar Bowl and played Georgia. Ummm‚ there isn’t much to be said, Georgia handed Hawaii‘s ass to them on a silver Cajun platter. This game was over at halftime. One of the most comical parts of the whole game was when Hawaii knew they were done for, so they pulled Colt Brennan out of the game to put in backup quarterback Tyler Graunke. It was Graunke who threw a pass to score the only touchdown of the day for Hawaii. After the touchdown was scored, the cameras showed Colt Brennan on the sideline hanging his head. Now that was funny. The bottom line to this whole ordeal is that’s if you want to be the best, you need to play the best. By playing half-assed teams, Hawaii wasn’t even close to being ready to be playing for anything close to the National Championship. It seems that there are a lot of optimists out there who believe Hawaii was going to win the bowl game. Don’t forget that this was the University of Hawaii‘s 1st ever BCS bowl game and Georgia put one hell of a beating on them with a final score of 41-10.
I’ve heard a lot of complaining of how Michigan State bought their way out of their contract instead of playing Hawaii and how Michigan turned them down. What’s the point? USC, LSU, and even Appalachian State turned Hawaii down also. Teams in the BCS are ranked based upon their strength of schedule. Playing teams like Hawaii doesn’t put you in the hunt for the National Championship. Until teams like the University of Hawaii are consistent enough to win bowl games, other teams will not take them seriously. That will definitely take this organization many years to achieve. They should start by taking the money they received by losing in the Sugar Bowl and actually putting it to good use, like upgrading their facilities. By having 2nd rate facilities, its no wonder why nobody wants to come to the University to play sports. Until that happens UH can keep struggling their way through the “Weak Ass Conference” (WAC) and pissing and moaning about how other teams are making headlines.
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2008 Capitol One Bowl: Michigan 41 – Florida 35
The 2007 NCAA football season had many ups and downs for the University of Michigan. Starting out the season being unprepared for Appalachian State and then turning around and getting spanked by Oregon at home definitely was not the way any team would want to start out their year. Following those two games the University of Michigan went 7-0 and then ended the season losing to both Wisconsin and Ohio State. Upon the close out of the regular season, Lloyd Carr announced his retirement as head coach of the Wolverines. Despite all of that the Michigan Wolverines ended up going to a non-BCS Capitol One bowl against the 9th ranked University of Florida.
Prior to the start of the Capitol One bowl, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from Michigan due to their up and down season, having over a month off to rest, and also with their terrible bowl standings in the past 6 years. This year it seemed that Lloyd Carr actually did his homework and laid down his pride of playing conservative to actually be aggressive and put the pressure on the Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. Michigan had numerous sacks and when Florida did move the ball it was typically for huge gains. Everything seemed to be going very well for Michigan with their game plan until there was less than 2 minutes to go in the game. Michigan had the ball within the Florida 30-yard line and instead of going for a 1st down and attempting to score. Lloyd decided to try to run out the clock. They ran 3 run plays, which Florida stopped virtually dead in their tracks. Then with about 1:15 to go on the clock, Michigan kicked a field goal, which put them up by 6 points. I don’t know, maybe it is different philosophies of playing aggressive, but I would not feel comfortable with only a 6 point lead and still over a minute to go in the game with the Heisman Trophy winner having the ball back in his hands. Fortunately for Michigan, their defensive line got pressure on Tebow to pull off the victory. The final score in the 2008 Capitol One Bowl; Michigan 41, Florida 35.
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Happy New Year 2008!
Just wanted to wish everybody a very Happy New Year 2008! Hope the new year brings everybody joy and the very best that life can offer.
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So Sick of Hearing About the University of Hawaii
Ever since December 1st, 2007 it seemed that every commercial on local t.v. was that the University of Hawaii warriors went 12-0 on the season. It is now December 31st, 2007 and I am so sick of hearing about how great the University of Hawaii is. This is the 1st year ever that they went 12-0. This is the 1st time ever they will go to a BCS bowl game. Yes, the University of Hawaii should be proud of their achievements, but they are not a great team. Here is the reasons why. The only ranked team they’ve played all year was Boise State University. The University of Hawaii has never been to a BCS bowl game. The University of Hawaii is a typical “west coast” team. Stereotypically a west coast team takes the philosophy of 100% all offensive power and absolutely zero defense. Hawaii’s defense banks on that if they can get 1 or maybe 2 stops a game, they can win the game because the offense will outscore the other team. As the rest of the United States knows, defense wins. One of Hawaii’s weaknesses is that they are too much of an emotional team. When playing against weak teams all year in the Western Athletic Conference, otherwise known as the Weak Ass Conference, they are just not prepared to compete at the national level. The deciding factor of this argument will be how they will actually perform against the University of Georgia in the Sugar Bowl in New Orlean’s, Louisiana on January 1st, 2008. We have to wait until then to find out.
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Jane & Arlene
Jane and Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. “Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.” The pharmacist fainted.
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Not the Brightest Bulb in the Woods….
Christmas Trees Around the World
Rockefeller Center, New York
The Capitol, Washington DC
Trafalgar Square in London
The Romer, Frankfurt’s City Hall
Red, White and Blue [on display at an unknown location]
Puerta del Sol in Madrid
St. Peter’s Square in Rome
Galeries Lafayette in Paris
A chapel in Germany’s Karwendel mountains
The largest Christmas tree in Europe [over 230 feet tall] in Praça do Comércio in Lisbon, Portugal
Moscow
Murano Island in Venice, Italy; home to the tallest glass tree in the world sculpted by master glass blower Simone Cenedese
Prague’s Old Town Square in the Czech Republic
Tokyo’s nighttime neon display projected onto the Grand Prince Hotel Akasaka in Japan
The world’s largest Christmas tree display up in the slopes of Monte Ingino, in Italy’s Umbria region, made of about 500 lights connected with 40,000 feet of wire
Merry Christmas!
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A Fairy Tale
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch……..
But this was a long time ago…..and it was just ONE day.
The End
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Christmas Cookie Recipe
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal
Instructions:
– Sample the Crown Royal to check quality.
– Take a large bowl, check the Crown Royal again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
– Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
– Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again.
– At this point it’s best to make sure the Crown Royal is still OK, try another cup.. just in case.
– Turn off the mixer thingy.
– Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
– Pick the frigging fruit off floor…
– Mix on the turner.
– If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.
– Sample the Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity.
– Next, sift two cups of salt, or something…. who giveshz a sheet.
– Check the Crown Royal.
– Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
– Add one table.
– Add a spoon of ar, or somefink…. whatever you can find.
– Greash the oven.
– Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
– Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
– Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
– Finish the bottle of Crown Royal.
– Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Cherry Mistmas!
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How Real Men Use Post-It Notes!
Wrapping Paper
Urine Test
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test. Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. But, I do on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butts, doing drugs, while I work. Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
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Stun Gun
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thin king to myself, “no possible way!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yours elf. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right t high and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.
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West Virginia Mountain Woman
A West Virginia mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, “What is a specimen?” He replied, “Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She’s a nurse.”
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
“What in the world happened?” asked her husband.
“Danged if I know,” she replies. “I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose.”