Latest Articles

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

“USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

“USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:

“I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!”

Related Posts

• Dusty Underwear
• Where is Your Underwear
• New Boots

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 10 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

Related Posts

• Difficult Things to Say
• Nine Words Women Use
• Words Women Use:

How to Decide who to Marry:

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10

What is the right age to get married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8

What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
— Craig, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It ‘s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..How would you make a marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 1

Related Posts

• Marriage (written by kids)
• Why Are You Getting Married?
• Elderly Marriage

A WYOMING cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA Page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation System to get an exact fix on his location which he then f eeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy say s to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says the cowboy.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing was required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Related Posts

• Roping
• Sympathetic Husband
• IRS Genie

God asks Peyton Manning first: “What do u believe?”
Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work and staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do the right by my fans.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Manning and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, “What do you believe?” Tony says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I too, have been lucky, but win or lose…I’ve always tried to be a true sportsman. Both, on and off the playing field.”

God is greatly moved and offers him a seat to his right.

Finally God turns to Brett Favre…”And u Brett, what do u believe?”

Brett replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

Related Posts

• Why Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs
• The Israeli Quarterback
• Atheist in the Classroom

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”

“Great”, says Tom, “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you, be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem,” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

“More’n likely be some wild sex, too,”

“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

Related Posts

• Hell of a Day
• Two Buddies
• The Late Worker

Three older ladies named Rose, Pam and Martha were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.¬¨‚Ć The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.¬¨‚Ć Rose immediately had a stroke.¬¨‚Ć Then Pam also had a stroke.¬¨‚Ć But Martha, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

Related Posts

• What’s the Name of That Restaurant
• New Restaurant
• Getting Older

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have ‚spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the ‚Oprah diet…Nancy-pants.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a‚ delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And‚ just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as‚well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory‚space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out‚chartreuse or you know what a ‘fressier’ is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his drink.

Related Posts

• 8 Ways to Determine A Gay Guy
• Lesbonics
• The Gay Flight Attendant

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, ‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.’From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. When I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night.

‘The next night he came home from work and yelled, “Bell 1!” The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled “Bell 2!”, the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled “Bell 3!”, they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled! “Bell 4!” “What the hell is Bell 4?” asked the husband.

“Roll out more hose,” she replied ‘You’re nowhere near the fire!”

Related Posts

• Love’s Fiery Revenge: A Tale of Unexpected Strength
• Bullfrog
• When Daddy Calls

Brahdah‚ came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Brahdah.’ Brahdah was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’ Brahdah was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ‘Not bad,’ replied Brahdah the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster.’ Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’ ‘Never,’ said Brahdah. ‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’ Brahdah did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Brahdah was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout…..’Dammit! Wake up you clown. You’re shitting in the bed!’

Related Posts

• Ralph the Chicken
• Chicken Farmer
• Chicken and the Harley

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,¬¨‚Ćlooked straight into his eyes,and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’ ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ ¬¨‚ĆThe lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’ ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! ¬¨‚ĆI can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! ¬¨‚ĆI’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. ¬¨‚ĆAbsolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’ ¬¨‚ĆThe lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. ¬¨‚ĆYou didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

Related Posts

• Divorce vs Murder
• Birth Control Pills for Grandma
• How’s Your Day Going?

Three Women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.  Suddenly there was a beeping sound.  The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.  

Related Posts

• Sneezing Disease
• Revenge
• New Cowboy Boots