Socially Unacceptable Humor

  • I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”
  • I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
  • My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
  • Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
  • A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
  • I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”
  • The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
  • At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!
  • One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexican and Black people is not the correct answer either.
  • There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
  • You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
  • A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”
  • Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4,000 f….g Muslims have added me as a friend!
  • Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
  • The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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