Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

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