Category: Humor
Signs That You May be Having a Bad Day
1.) You woke up in a strange place
2.) Your new diet doesn’t seem to be working
3.) You pulled a muscle while trying to exercise
4.) Your new hat looked better on you at the store
5.) You keep losing things
6.) You feel like you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time
7.) The boss chewed you out at work
8.) You got caught in the rain at lunchtime
9.) You get no respect
10.) You feel trapped somehow…
11.) Traffic on the way home was brutal
12.) You think you might be coming down with the flu
13.) You’re home alone and you hear a noise in the basement
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Great Ads
Chelsea Clinton
Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.
She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him.
He told her there were only three things he feared:
1) Osama
2) Obama
And
3) Yo Mama!
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Real Men of Genius
What is a 710?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked “is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.”
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Investment Tips for 2008
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang
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A Rotten Old Thing
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe’s boat sank on the same day that John’s wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said: “I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible.”
Joe replied; ” Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn’t so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle!”
The old lady fainted.
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Famous Sexual Quotes
And so the Story Goes!
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out With God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ”
Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me….”
God commented: “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, ” Ah, yes.”
“Well, ” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
“Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
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Turkey
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy look down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”
The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you. If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”
The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!!
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Hot Date in Tennessee
A young Tennessee man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist:
‘I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?’
The pharmacist responds: ‘A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.’
‘TACKS!’ the shocked redneck says. ‘Gawd a’mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves?
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Toyoda
Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know…
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death . (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm…)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that . )
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure .
(What about that pig??)
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Blonde Logic
Blonde Logic
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooo oooo, can you see Florida?”
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
River Walk
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
At the Doctor’s Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
Blonde on the Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”
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Why Politicians Are Always the Most Expensive Dish
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?’
The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of s*#t, it takes all morning.”
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Women Explained by Engineers
My Private Part Died Today
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. “Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr. Wallace, “My Private Part died today and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Pri vate Part hanging out his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
“Mr. Wallace,” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”
‚Äö√Ñ√∫But, Nurse Tracy,” replied Mr. Wallace, “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”
“Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
“Well,” he replied, *”Today’s the viewing.”*