It’s your First Kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
AND,—Should you use some tongue? Then you say…’What the heck!’ and Just Go for it!!!
Category: Humor
Three Men
Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total”, says the Genie.
The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .”
POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.”
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.”
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, “Fill it with water.”
Related Posts
Great Elephant Story
In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre’s legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Related Posts
Bubba
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer?”
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
“Sure is, Bubba.”
“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that football player sued that university when heGradiated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”
“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin . . ..
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer allthem ugly women I slept with?”
Related Posts
How To Spot A Redneck Hunter With A DUI Conviction
What To Wear When The Wife Has Chores For You…
Job Question
The boss was looking to hire a new manager, so he interviewed dozens and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, he decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back.
What is the man’s name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first one says, “My answer is, there IS no answer.”
The second one says, “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”
The THIRD one says, “I’m not exactly sure, but it could be either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.” He got the job.
Related Posts
Sleeping Around
If Women Controlled the World
Ralph the Chicken
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,‚Äö√Ñ√¥ you died in your sleep, Ralph. ‚Äö√ѬÆRalph was stunned. I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back! St. Peter said, I’m sorry, but there’s only one-way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ‚Äö√ѬÆRalph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here? Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m going to explode! You’re ovulating, explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? Never, said Ralph. Well, just relax and let it happen, says the rooster. It’s no big deal.
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout… ‚Äö√ѬÆDammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting in the bed!
Related Posts
The Bet…
Two families move from Pakistan to America . When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see — in a year’s time — which family has become more Americanized.
A year later they meet again.
The first man says, “My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds, and I’m on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?”
The second man replies, “*&^%$ you, towelhead”.
Related Posts
Pet Fish
A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that’s well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man…
“Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“No, sir,” replied the redneck. “I ain’t got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?”
“Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ’em back home.”
“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that.”
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Government Man, I’ll show ya. It really works.”
“OK,” said the warden. “I’ve got to see this!”
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, “Well?”
Well, what?” says the redneck.
The warden says, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
The FISH,” replied the warden.
“What fish?” replied the redneck.
Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.
Related Posts
Cure for a Cough
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him-he’s afraid to cough!”
Related Posts
Jane & Arlene
Jane and Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. “Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.” The pharmacist fainted.
Related Posts
Not the Brightest Bulb in the Woods….
A Fairy Tale
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch……..
But this was a long time ago…..and it was just ONE day.
The End
Related Posts
Christmas Cookie Recipe
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal
Instructions:
– Sample the Crown Royal to check quality.
– Take a large bowl, check the Crown Royal again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
– Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
– Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again.
– At this point it’s best to make sure the Crown Royal is still OK, try another cup.. just in case.
– Turn off the mixer thingy.
– Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
– Pick the frigging fruit off floor…
– Mix on the turner.
– If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.
– Sample the Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity.
– Next, sift two cups of salt, or something…. who giveshz a sheet.
– Check the Crown Royal.
– Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
– Add one table.
– Add a spoon of ar, or somefink…. whatever you can find.
– Greash the oven.
– Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
– Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
– Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
– Finish the bottle of Crown Royal.
– Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Cherry Mistmas!
Related Posts
How Real Men Use Post-It Notes!
Wrapping Paper
Stun Gun
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thin king to myself, “no possible way!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yours elf. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right t high and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.