Humor – Page 140 – The Kumachan

Red Skeleton’s Tips for a Happy Marriage

Dave 2004-10-19

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven”t been for a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said,” There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn”t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the Lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember, Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn”t know her first name was Always.

13. I haven”t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don”t like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust.”

Olympic Commentators, OOPS!

Dave 2004-10-18

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging Cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”

This is a story about a couple, totally devoted to each other, who had been happily married for years. The only wee problem in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise wakes his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was a perfectly natural occurrence. “She asked him to see a doctor, saying she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out, but he only laughed. The years went by, and he continued to rip them out every morning.

Then one Thanksgiving morning, as the long-suffering wife was preparing the turkey for dinner while her dearly beloved was upstairs still sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the ‘spare parts’ and a naughty little thought came to her….She took the bowl of parts and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Then she quietly tiptoed down to the kitchen to wait for the fun to begin.

A short while later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting….which was immediately followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got back at him pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened….

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Video Games Don’t Affect Kids

Dave 2002-08-19

Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter: A Guide to Surviving Her Dad’s Standards

Dave 2001-04-15

Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune outside of Iraq. When my Anthrax starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Good to be a Man

Dave 2001-04-07

– Your last name stays put.
– The garage is all yours.
– Wedding plans take care of themselves.
– Chocolate is just another snack.
– You can be president.
– You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
– Car mechanics tell you the truth.
– You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
– The world is your urinal.
– You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
– Same work… more pay.
– Wrinkles add character.
– Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
– People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
– The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
– New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
– Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
– One mood, ALL the damn time.
– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
– You know stuff about tanks.
– A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
– You can open all your own jars
– Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.
– You can leave the motel bed unmade.
– You can kill your own food.
– You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
– Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
– If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
– Everything on your face stays its original color.
– You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
– Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
– You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
– You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
– You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
– You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
– You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
– You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
– You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
– The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
– You don’t have to shave below your neck.
– Your belly usually hides your big hips.
– One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
– You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
– You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustac-he.
– You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.