Category: Humor

Napkins for a special occasion

Dave

My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping ”napkins” in the bathroom. Didn”t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions”.

Now fast forward a few months…

It”s Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn”t hang off the edge!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

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Want to Curl Up and Die?

Dave

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never. My husband didn’t say a word, he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I”m just looking at your nuts. “My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
Diane E. Amov

Ask a child the same question too many times… Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don”t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing. He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they”d ever had!

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Quickies!

Dave

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn”t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I”m not sure, What was her maiden name?
———————————————————————-
A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine”
————————————————————————
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I”ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.” “That”s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I”ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
————————————————————————
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don”t like the looks of your wife at all,” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she”s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
———————————————————————
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
————————————————————————
Two Reasons Why It”s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it”ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies, “Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
————————————————————————
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun?! What is golf gun?” “I don”t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”
————————————————————————
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
————————————————————————
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he”s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”
The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”
————————————————————————
Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn”t believe in hell.”
————————————————————————
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I”m O. K. but I didn”t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
————————————————————————
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband”s advice.
“What do you think? ” I asked.
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You”d never get it all in one.”
————————————————————————
“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed…every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn”t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle…when the sun comes up, you”d better be running.”

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Roping

Dave

A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They drive a few more hours and she sees a horse and a mare having sex. Again she asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They finally get to the hotel, washed up, and got ready for bed. They get in bed and start exploring each other”s body. She discovers his penis and asked, “What is this?” “That”s my rope,” he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?” “They are my knots,” he replies. Finally, they begin making love. After several minutes, she says, “Stop, honey, wait a minute!” “What”s the matter baby?” he asks. She replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!

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Signs You’ve Grown Up

Dave

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can”t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. You”re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won”t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
10. You don”t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
11. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
13. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
14. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM
15. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle your stomach.
16. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
17. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
18. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
19. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn”t apply to you.

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Government

Dave

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you”ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he”d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn”t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn”t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn”t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was……..God, I miss him!

But now that I”ve married you, I”m so excited!”

“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”

“You’re with the Government honey. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!

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Monica Lewinsky

Dave

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. “God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,” she prayed. And just like that, her ears fell off.

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Honesty, Thimbles, and Mel Gibson

Dave

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river when her thimble fell into the water. As she began to cry, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the river and that she needed it to help her husband earn a living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared holding a golden thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came back with a silver thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord went down a third time and returned with a wooden thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep. The seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank when her husband slipped and fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord once again appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord,” she said, “my husband has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the river and came back up with Mel Gibson.
“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes!” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. “You have lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress quickly replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. This is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three.”

“Lord,” she continued, “I am not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of three husbands. That is why I said ‘yes’ to Mel Gibson.”

The moral of this story:
Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason — and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

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Love’s Fiery Revenge: A Tale of Unexpected Strength

Dave

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you?” The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to.”

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Old Virus

Dave

1. THE AL GORE Virus….(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
2. THE CLINTON Virus….(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
4. THE LEWINSKY Virus…(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus….(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus….(Quits after two bytes)
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus….(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus…(Deletes all old files)
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus…(Disks can no longer be inserted)
10. THE PROZAC Virus…(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn”t care)
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus…(Only attacks minor files)
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus…(Terminates some files, leaves,but will be back)
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus…(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

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Fifty Dollars

Dave

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I”d like to ride in that airplane.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I”m 85 years old. If I don”t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

Esther replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I”ll make you a deal. I”ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won”t charge you; but if you say one word it”s 50 dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn”t.”

Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.

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Difference Between Men and Women Showering

Dave

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it”s clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband has been eating your ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ”woo-woo” sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Taste your wife”s ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ”woo-woo” sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.

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Chores

Dave

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little irritated so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well, his mother says “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week”. “I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are aren’t getting any milk.” Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

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Questions & Answers

Dave

Q: What’s a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What’s the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
A: About three inches.

Q: What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well-Hung.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

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Who is Jack Schitt

Dave

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don”t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents” objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

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Circumcised?

Dave

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal”s office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his “member” hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom.” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she”d come and pick me up from school.”

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Air Traffic Humor

Dave

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

2.) One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with : “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I”ll have
enough parts for another one.”

3.) There”s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded Seven-Engine approach”.

4.) A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff”.

5.) Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

6.) “Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees..” “But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

7.) While on an evening flight on Southwest Airlines, I found it funny that the head Flight Attendant made this announcement when dimming the lights for take off: “Ladies and Gentleman, we will be dimming the cabin lighting to enhance the beauty of our flight attendants, thank you.

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The Prisoner

Dave

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns, but all he finds is a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you”

To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom… Be strong, honey. I love you too…

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Breakfast

Dave

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my Gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you”re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the car.”

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Red Skeleton’s Tips for a Happy Marriage

Dave

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven”t been for a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said,” There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn”t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the Lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember, Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn”t know her first name was Always.

13. I haven”t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don”t like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust.”

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