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Humor

What Starts With “F”

Dave

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what exactly is your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.  Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal:  ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.  The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade’  But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, ‘Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions…’ The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms.  Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open… Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’ Now the principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question… Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, ​”​Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself​…”

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Government Humor Thoughts

Political Correctness

Dave

For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research, and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I’d been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WW2 Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war – not a word has been added or deleted!


(1) Tokyo, Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

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Entertainment Events Photos Sports

Rock 105.3 FM Banner in San Diego, Chargers Stadium

Dave

While I was at the 1st preseason game for the San Diego, Chargers on Thursday I saw a banner for Rock 105.3 FM. I thought it would be a great idea to take a photo of it and give a shout out to the awesome radio personalities over at the radio station. Eddie, Sky, Ashlee, & Thor this one’s for you.

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Humor

The Importance of Water

Dave

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:
importance_of_water
Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I’ve never been that sick.

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Government Stories Thoughts

The Coyote Principle

Dave

an animal standing on grass

CALIFORNIA

– The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
-The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
– He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
– He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
– The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
– The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
– The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
– The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
– The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
– PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

TEXAS

– The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
– The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a 0.45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
– The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that is why California is broke and Texas is not.

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Humor Thoughts

The Way Women Think

Dave

Husband’s Text Message to wife

Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.

Love you.

Wife’s Response:

Who’s Paula?

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Humor

Rules Are Rules

Dave

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You gonna tell him or should I?”

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Humor

Jewish Mother’s Know Best

Dave

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Nathan.” All he wants is sex, sex, and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 – cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel.”

Her mother says…

“You’re married to a multi – millionaire businessman! You live in an 8 bedroom mansion! You drive a $ 250,000 Ferrari! You get $2,000 a week allowance! You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away…over 45 cents!!!!?”

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Humor

How To Catch A Bear

Dave

A man in Michigan ‘s Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there’s an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.”

He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

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Events Thoughts Travel

Deliciously Evil Funnel Cake

Dave

During the summer there are many festivals, fairs, parties, and other fun events to attend. If you happen to run across the funnel cake, stay away! The funnel cake is evil. It is so yummy that you just can’t stay away. There is something about that fragrence in the air that just draws you in and once you try it, you’re addicted.

thekumachan_funnel_cake

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Government Humor

America’s Smartest President

Dave

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so American’s don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I’m a senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America.” So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Barack Obama said, “I am the President of the United States and I’m the smartest ever in the history of the country, some even call me the “Anointed One.” So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life and served my God to the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. “The little girl said, “That’s ok, Mr. Graham. There’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”

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Holidays

American Independence Day 2015

Dave

Happy Independence Day 2015. On July 2nd 1776 is when American declared independence from England. It wasn’t until August 2nd, 1776 when all members actually signed the declaration. Either way, this is the only American holiday during the summer and it means many things to many different people. It is a good time to enjoy the summer. It is a good chance to spend time with family. It is a time to show patriotism and honor all of those both past and present who are making so many sacrifices for the good ole United States of America.

thekumachan_1507thekumachan_1508thekumachan_1509

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